I got called that one time. Swear. Say it: Phenomenal Cesspool of Incompetence. It's brilliant! I mean seriously, who can come up with that shit? Well I'll tell you who . . . kind of.
A little background. I'm a career banker, and I've always been on the operations side. Kind of a nuts and bolts of banking girl. I've also always managed people, which means the ugly situations get elevated to me.
Once I had a customer who would send absolutely hideous messages through the internet banking department. Let's say, for example, he could not get his updated balance at three in the morning because we had not yet finished processing. This would throw him into a Rage so Fearsome that the email he sent would kind of burn your eyes out of your head. He never called, he never showed up to any branch, he would just send these awful messages from the safety of his little computer in the wee hours of the morning. Yes, coward.
The nice ladies in the internet banking department would get these emails, and actually try to respond to him. This inevitably just fed his fury and he would respond with more horrible, aggressive, ugliness.
The manager of that department would forward all of this trash to me and the big wig in Austin just so we would know what was going on because he was an Austin client. After too many of these completely inappropriate emails I said to big wig, again, "Please let me close his account. Please." Big wig finally said fine, thank God, but told me I needed to get our corporate attorney involved because this guy was clearly nuts.
Attorney instructs me to send a certified and letter and an email to him with some pretty generic language about how according to your account agreement we can close your account at any time, this is notification we are doing that, etc etc.
I was stressed about the email part, honestly. But it was a busy day so I soon forgot about it until I answer my phone and...it's HIM. I start to sweat.
He is nice at first.
Why are you closing my account?
Well, I've seen the emails you have been sending through internet banking and clearly we are unable to make you happy. It seems it would be in your best interest and ours for you to take your banking business elsewhere.
You've seen my emails?
You can't just close my account.
Actually, I can.
DON'T YOU TOUCH MY ACCOUNT YOU BITCH! I'M GOING TO SUE YOUR FUCKING ASS BITCH! I - - "
At which point, I hung up the phone.
Then I get the email. The first thing he called me was a "mealy mouthed coward." Now that, my friends, is almost as good as the cesspool. Mealy mouthed! Love it! And yes, quickly followed by "you phenomenal cesspool of incompetence."
The coward thing amused me because really. Who is the coward in this scenario? Followed by the cesspool. I had never had any dealings with this individual before the generic email so I'm not really sure what I did that so showed my incompetence, but damn. "Phenomenal Cesspool of Incompetence." Clearly, I am very incompetent. I mean, little crazy man hiding behind his keyboard would know.
At this point the attorney jumps in and takes over all communications going forward thank goodness. We did get his accounts closed out. He didn't ever show up in our lobby with a shotgun, which I was truly concerned about.
I could tell on the phone that the fact that I had seen all of those nasty emails surprised him. COWARD. That he never thought a person, in his town, in his branch, would see those and call him out on them. Wtf? Coward! Talk about a person I have zero respect for.
But I suppose I will always appreciate the enjoyment I get out of saying I have been called a Phenomenal Cesspool of Incompetence. I think that there might be no one else in the world that can say that. And that makes me, well, unique.
I mean, I'm not just a Cesspool of Incompetence. I am a Phenomenal one.