Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Phenomenal Cesspool of Incompetence

I got called that one time. Swear. Say it: Phenomenal Cesspool of Incompetence. It's brilliant! I mean seriously, who can come up with that shit? Well I'll tell you who . . . kind of.

A little background. I'm a career banker, and I've always been on the operations side. Kind of a nuts and bolts of banking girl. I've also always managed people, which means the ugly situations get elevated to me.

Once I had a customer who would send absolutely hideous messages through the internet banking department. Let's say, for example, he could not get his updated balance at three in the morning because we had not yet finished processing. This would throw him into a Rage so Fearsome that the email he sent would kind of burn your eyes out of your head. He never called, he never showed up to any branch, he would just send these awful messages from the safety of his little computer in the wee hours of the morning. Yes, coward.

The nice ladies in the internet banking department would get these emails, and actually try to respond to him. This inevitably just fed his fury and he would respond with more horrible, aggressive, ugliness.

The manager of that department would forward all of this trash to me and the big wig in Austin just so we would know what was going on because he was an Austin client. After too many of these completely inappropriate emails I said to big wig, again, "Please let me close his account. Please." Big wig finally said fine, thank God, but told me I needed to get our corporate attorney involved because this guy was clearly nuts.

Attorney instructs me to send a certified and letter and an email to him with some pretty generic language about how according to your account agreement we can close your account at any time, this is notification we are doing that, etc etc.

I was stressed about the email part, honestly. But it was a busy day so I soon forgot about it until I answer my phone and...it's HIM. I start to sweat.

He is nice at first.

Why are you closing my account?

Well, I've seen the emails you have been sending through internet banking and clearly we are unable to make you happy. It seems it would be in your best interest and ours for you to take your banking business elsewhere.

(Pause)

You've seen my emails?

Yes.

(Pause)

You can't just close my account.

Actually, I can.

DON'T YOU TOUCH MY ACCOUNT YOU BITCH! I'M GOING TO SUE YOUR FUCKING ASS BITCH! I - - "

At which point, I hung up the phone.

Then I get the email. The first thing he called me was a "mealy mouthed coward." Now that, my friends, is almost as good as the cesspool. Mealy mouthed! Love it! And yes, quickly followed by "you phenomenal cesspool of incompetence."

The coward thing amused me because really. Who is the coward in this scenario? Followed by the cesspool. I had never had any dealings with this individual before the generic email so I'm not really sure what I did that so showed my incompetence, but damn. "Phenomenal Cesspool of Incompetence." Clearly, I am very incompetent. I mean, little crazy man hiding behind his keyboard would know.

At this point the attorney jumps in and takes over all communications going forward thank goodness. We did get his accounts closed out. He didn't ever show up in our lobby with a shotgun, which I was truly concerned about.

I could tell on the phone that the fact that I had seen all of those nasty emails surprised him. COWARD. That he never thought a person, in his town, in his branch, would see those and call him out on them. Wtf? Coward! Talk about a person I have zero respect for.

But I suppose I will always appreciate the enjoyment I get out of saying I have been called a Phenomenal Cesspool of Incompetence. I think that there might be no one else in the world that can say that. And that makes me, well, unique.

I mean, I'm not just a Cesspool of Incompetence. I am a Phenomenal one.

8 comments:

  1. Sounds like the Congressional world. I'm always amazed at their surprise when I tell them I'm not paid to be abused and either hang up or throw them out the door. Do they really think I'm going to let them tell me how stupid I am or cuss me out?
    Dub

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  2. OMG. This made me laugh. Again. It was so funny when you told me in person but it might be even funnier in writing.

    You are an awesomely hillarious phenomenal cesspool of incompetence.

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  3. What a story - and what a relief it must've been to finally get rid of that guy. Awesome!

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  4. "Mealy Mouthed" - Thats a first. Mind if I borrow that one. I have been in the service industry for years; and was called "triffeling little bastard" once. But never heard "mealy mouthed"

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  5. By all means use "mealy mouthed." The guy should probably stop being an ass and try to channel this creativity he's using for evil into something good! Clearly he is very creative!

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  6. Way to chop the slop on the jerk! Being abusive to someone, regardless of the job or position they're in, is NEVER OK. Some meanies have a sense of entitlement and think it's alright to spew hate on you if they're paying you money. No, they paid for good service, not the right to puke their filth all over your face (and other body parts). But I gotta say, "Phenomenal Cesspool of Incompetence" is better than being a failure. ;)

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  7. I have been on both sides of this. I have worked in retail and service industries and had to pander to customers, but that gave me insight into how to offer good customer service. I would bend over backwards for a customer if they treated me with respect, but as soon as I got the faintest whiff of disdain or entitlement, I would flip the switch to bare minimum mode. When I am in a restaurant and get good service I tip very generously, it helps encourage good service (duh) and likewise when someone is not performing well I don't tip so well, and you guessed it, if I get flat out bad/no service then they get a bad/no tip.

    Follow the Golden Rule.

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  8. Sounds like a pretty phenomenal case of antisocial personality disorder (nasty stuff)

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