Saturday, February 27, 2010

Because of God.

I just read my friend Jennifer's blog and it totally struck a chord.  You can go read it here before you read mine.

Finished?

Okay.

First of all, the "Because of God" title of this post is actually not all that spiritual.  It's a line from one of my favorite movies ever, "When Harry Met Sally."  It's that part when they are talking about the Days of the Week Underpants.   Okay now I just have to post it.

Sally:  Yes. They had the days of the week on them, and I thought they were sort of funny. And then one day Sheldon says to me, "You never wear Sunday." It was all suspicious. Where was Sunday? Where had I left Sunday? And I told him, and he didn't believe me. 
Harry:  What?
Sally:  They don't make Sunday.
Harry:  Why not?
Sally:  Because of God.

Anyway. When I think about God, in the way I think about Him, and I don't care what your own spirituality is because umm, well, this is my blog, I see Him as this very benevolent, very loving being. That whole unconditional love bit.  I totally buy that because I need to.  I need someone or something to love me unconditionally because God certainly knows I make a lot of mistakes and a lot of stupid decisions.

I paid lip service to this idea of unconditional love before I was a mama.  But now?  I get it.  I totally get it.  In Jennifer's blog she talked about wanting her kids to take for granted to a certain degree all the things she does as a mom, and all the things that make her the great mom that she is.  I read that and I think I even said out loud - EXACTLY!

I don't want a darn thing from my sweet daughter.  All I want is for her to be happy, and fulfilled, and challenged, and healthy, and curious, and adventurous and...I could go on forever.  And that is all outside of me. Do I want her to always be close to me, and to hear "I love you" from her, and does it not make me cry when she does things like write a paper about how I'm her hero when I am about to lose my f'ing mind trying to finish grad school?  Uh, YES!  But if she didn't give me those things?  I would not love her any less.  And I wouldn't be sad. It's all about her. If she decided to move to the other side of the earth at some point, and I didn't get to see her as much as I wanted to...as long as she is happy, and fulfilled, and challenged, and healthy, and curious, and adventurous and...I could go on forever, that is good enough for me. Of course I would miss the hell out of her etc. but I would be fine knowing she is happy.

My focus is completely forward-facing towards her. And yes I guess I do want something from her. I want her to be completely forward-facing towards her own children if she has them. But she needn't ever look back and worry about me. I will never make her feel guilty for following her dreams, even if they lead her away from me. Because I love her. I love her like I was 100% sure I could not love someone, a fear that woke me up in the night when I was pregnant with her. 

It gives me a deeper understanding of this God that I know, too. I think He's the same way.  Wants us close. Wants us to write papers about His being a hero. Wants to hear I love you. But when we run off to do our own thing, and kind of forget about Him for a bit...I think He's alright with that as long as we are happy, and fulfilled, and healthy, and curious, and adventurous and...
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