life on the c train

Feel good stuff

2012-01-21T16:37:00.000-06:00

Two posts in one day. You heard me. I've got to get you caught up on my stories, Internet.

So back to Vegas, of course. Friday night I ended up at a roulette table, at two in the morning, with someone fabulous. We were talking, he was gambling, I was watching. He was winning, and was very generous with the dealer, and would every now and then push a chip over to me as well. I looked down and they were $100 chips. I pushed them back over to him. He was insistent I keep them since it was "house money" anyway. We went back and forth about that a bit and ultimately I ended up with $300 worth of poker chips in my purse when I turned in.

The chips just sat in my purse the rest of the trip. I wasn't sure what to do with them. They were kind of special, because it was a really great night. Sunday morning (the day I was leaving), I cashed them in, still not sure what to do with the $300, but knowing I needed to spend that money thoughtfully.

After I had cashed them in I met up with my girlfriends for some food and hair of the dog. We had a couple of hours to kill before we headed to the airport so we did a little shopping at Caesar's, which is where we stayed for the work portion of the Vegas trip. We wandered through Gucci, and Louis Vuitton. Then we wandered into the Coach store.

A little background. My friend Amy planned the birthday portion of the trip. She found us a suite, which was no easy task because we were there during CES. She had a limo waiting for us at the airport, scheduled our spa appointments, made dinner and club reservations. She even got me a birthday shout out over the air from the cute young Southwest Airlines flight attendant who wished his "future ex-wife Clare a happy birthday." I was calling Amy my birthday Maid of Honor. She worked really hard to make it a great night for me, and it was such a great night.

Amy has three kids, works her tail off, never ever puts herself first, is constantly giving of herself and is generally just one of the best people I know. And whereas I have been known to occasionally splurge on something ridiculous for myself (or, perhaps, not so occasionally), Amy never does that.

So, back to the Coach store.

Amy comes to a full stop in front of a gorgeous Coach bag and just falls in love with it. Yes, that one right there. I look at it. $358. And in this flash of awesome inspiration that must have come from above, I grabbed the bag and took it up front and bought it for Amy. With $300 in cash and the rest on my card. I had been planning on getting Amy a gift certificate for a nice dinner anyway, but I knew in an instant what a better thank you would be.

The other girls caught on immediately to what I was doing, and why, and how, and loved it. Once Amy realized what was happening she tried to protest but as I explained - it wasn't my money. I knew I had been given that money for a reason...to do something cool with, and I knew this was it. Then all four of us cried. We all love Amy. Amy hasn't had the easiest go of it lately. We all knew Amy deserved that fun, awesome gift, and we all knew that was the right thing to do with the $300.

I have to say that was the very best moment of the trip for me. It wasn't a big generous act by me, because it wasn't my money, I was just the conduit to get something good to Amy. And it felt awesome to be that conduit. It felt better than all of the attention Wednesday night. Doing something good for someone else is perhaps the very best feeling in the world. I am inspired, by that experience, to give more. For not totally unselfish reasons. It feels good.

Turning heads

2012-01-21T13:35:00.000-06:00

Could I possibly love being forty more than I do? I don't really think so. And I'll tell you, I think half the reason it has been so spectacularly great is because I absolutely expected it to be spectacularly great.

Let me start this little story with this: When I go out with my gorgeous friends (and trust me, I have gorgeous friends) I tend to kind of fade into the background. I'm not the girl that gets the attention, and I never have been. I don't particularly mind this, which is a good thing because it has always been this way.

Okay, with that said, off with the story of my second birthday party in Vegas.

We arrive relatively early on a Wednesday morning. We take a limo to the Venetian where we spend the entire day at the spa. We drank mimosas, we laughed, we talked, there are things I can't tell you about the spa time or the girls would kill me...it was awesome. There were six of us girls. Some of us did hair and makeup at the end of the day, including me. It was definitely Vegas hair and makeup. I didn't really recognize myself when that was all done.

Then we got dressed and headed out. AND HOLY CRAP INTERNET, I HAVE NEVER GOTTEN MORE MALE ATTENTION IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

Now listen, I am not exaggerating. At all. There were strangers taking pictures of us, and of me alone. Heads were whipping around everywhere we went. And here is the crazy part: I was getting the most attention. Me, the one that is usually just part of the group. At freaking forty! This has never been the case before, and it happens to me at forty. I can't even capture how very cool that was. I appreciate the shit out of that at forty. At twenty? It just sort of seems normal to get looked at like that. You take it for granted. At forty, having birthed a baby, and spent four decades living with gravitational pull? You don't take that attention for granted.

I swear it was like the universe decided to give me that as a birthday present. For forty, this girl is gonna turn heads.

Want to know what else I appreciate the shit out of? My girlfriends. They wanted that night for me. They loved it. It's like I had this fabulous group of wing men. They all had my back. They wanted me to have a great night, so they all stepped back and made it about me. No one was competing with me or with anyone else. We just laughed and danced and sang and had fun. I can't put into words how much I love and appreciate my girlfriends, or how utterly fabulous they were that night. There was zero ego, zero competition, zero anything negative.

These girls even rounded up a super nice dude for me Wednesday night, not that I was really looking for that. But when the group says - that one - well, you have to give the guy a chance. We're going to call him New York, or NY for short, since that is where he lives. NY was kind of the icing on the cake that night. Very sweet, very respectful of the situation (I was there to be with my girlfriends), very attentive. Told me later (I'm still talking to that one) that part of what attracted him to me was the fact that it was obvious my friends love me a lot. Nice.

I think the word fabulous is rather overused (thanks in no small part to Sex and the City) and a bit annoying. But when it comes to forty, forty and fabulous just works. I wanted to turn forty in a fabulous way. It was important to me. And I have. I've never felt better.

Shine at Yahoo! and me

2012-01-08T11:58:00.002-06:00

I'm excited to tell you I've been invited back as a Parenting Guru for Shine at Yahoo! What does that mean? It means I will get writing assignments related to parenting. I will write posts based on the assignment, and they will show up in the Parenting section of Shine.

I am very excited to keep doing this, and am committed to being a better Parenting Guru in 2012, which includes, among other things, highlighting the posts I write for Shine here. I think I have a bit of a unique perspective when it comes to parenting. I am one of the few, if not the only, single mom parenting gurus. I get some things right, and I get some things wrong, but if I can make someone smile, or share some insight that is helpful, or hell, even make someone feel like they aren't doing so badly compared to me? I will feel like I'm doing something worthwhile.

So what is Shine at Yahoo? Well, it's the #1 Site for Women on the Web. And, Yahoo!'s premier lifestyle destination - with 30+ million unique views per month. Pretty cool. I love working with Shine. Everyone I have dealt with has been spectacular. Helpful, professional, fun, interesting. It's a pleasure to be associated with the site and the company.

Of course I am also in the middle of my assignment as a Get It Guide Guru for Shine. We have done four reviews: Celebrity Fragrances, Jeans, Holiday Toys, and One I Can't Tell You About Yet Because It's Not Live But I Think You Will Like It. That has been really fun. It has definitely required some time, and some work, but so far I have been able to fit that into evenings and weekends just fine, although I have had a few late nights finishing posts. That is a paying gig, so I feel a bit more of a responsibility to get the assignments done, and done right.

My relationship with Yahoo! is just, well, cool. I love it, and hope to be writing for them for a long time. And the plan this year is to write for the site more, which means writing with a little more discipline and a little more direction than I do here on my personal blog. In other words, not being quite so lazy about my writing. Although I do really enjoy the lazy writing I do here.

When you have a minute, go like Yahoo! Shine on Facebook, and follow @YahooShine on twitter. They post some interesting stuff, including the occasional thing written by yours truly.

The m word

2012-01-08T09:29:00.000-06:00

Men. I just didn't want to put it in the title for some reason. But to keep the blog interesting I feel like I really should talk about dating and all of that.

Every now and then I'll peruse what I've written here over the last several years, and I did that recently. Mostly because I've kind of "come out" as a blogger and wanted to make sure there wasn't anything floating around that I wasn't comfortable with. But I noticed something I already mostly knew, which is that I'm a little schizophrenic regarding the whole idea of a relationship.

Sometimes? I'm ready. I want it. I want that partnership. I know what I'm looking for (which implies I am actively looking). And other times? Nope. Don't want a relationship, much less a marriage. I'm very happy and content as is and can't imagine a relationship improving my life.

The reality is, I want a relationship, and I don't. And the idea of wanting one, and not wanting one at the same time, coexists comfortably in me, and that is exactly how I want things.

I have had love in my life. I know what it's like. I know what I'm "missing." But I don't really feel like I'm missing anything. Sometimes I wonder if, in my quest to be sure I am happy, every day, with my life exactly how it is that day, I have gone too far? If I have done too good of a job of building this life of mine, without a mate, to look back, or ever have room for a significant other? But if that's true...I have a hard time seeing the downside. Because I am happy, every day, with my life exactly (give or take a little, of course) how it is.

I know that Sarah will grow up and have her own life, which is what I want for her. And she certainly will never be responsible for entertaining me. But I make friends easily, and I don't mind doing things by myself. So I don't fear being alone in my old age.

But the flip side, the "I want a relationship" side. If I did happen to stumble across someone wonderful, I wouldn't run away. (At least I don't think I would run away.) There are things about being in a good relationship that are appealing to me.

It took me a very long time to get here. There were many years where I almost felt a sense of panic if I didn't have someone. And there was always, always Big. So if a relationship fell apart, I was generally at his door within about five minutes, from that place of panic. In retrospect, I'm not sure what that was, really. Insecurity I suppose. The place I am now is a much better place. A much healthier place. I don't have a Big anymore, it's just me. And I'm okay. I don't need that kind of male attention to be okay with who I am. I used to. Don't get me wrong, I love, and need, male attention. But not in the same, desperate way I used to.

Today? There isn't all that much going on in my love life. And it's cool. I value my friendships with women more than ever. There are men in my life, and I appreciate and enjoy them, and I can check the "male attention" box. I'm getting what I need. But I am very single.

I am having a birthday party in Vegas Wednesday night wherein I fully intend on flirting my forty-year-old ass off, because that is what I do. And I like being able to do that. And I will be with a group of girls that I have a lot of fun with, and a couple of their husbands who will keep us in line and of course, act as my wing men.

My intent is to blog from Vegas (I am there entirely, entirely too long because after my party I've got four days of work) but you know, and I know, the likelihood of that happening is almost nil. But you will hear about the party at some point, Internet.

A week in and forty still feels pretty damn good.

Surprises

2012-01-02T12:12:00.000-06:00

I woke up yesterday morning, on my fortieth birthday, feeling happy, content, and well-celebrated. Not having clue one that the best was yet to come.

January 1st was looking to be like any other. My dad was smoking a brisket and cooking some black eyed peas (of course). My mother had baked me a cake. At some point in the lovely, lazy day we would open presents. A friend (Catherine) I really enjoy and don't see enough asked if she could take me to brunch to catch up, which was perfect. Sarah didn't seem to mind I'd be gone an hour or two.

Catherine picked me up and we had a great time catching up. On the way back to the house I noticed a lot of cars parked along the street, but this isn't unusual. My only thought was someone is having a party. We pull in to the driveway and my brother's car is there. This too is not unusual. I figured he had brought his kids over to tell me happy birthday.

As I'm unlocking the door, I see someone aiming a camera at me. And I am still so completely clueless at this point that my brain does the following to make the dude with the camera make sense: Oh, that must be KC (my 20-year-old cousin who I knew was trying to make it into town for my birthday. Never mind that I didn't see his truck. Never mind it didn't really look like KC. Never mind that KC isn't into photography and this was a really nice camera I was seeing). And then: Why would he want a picture of me walking in the door? (Me: Clue-less)

I open the door and I am completely confused by what I see and hear. There are people everywhere. There are those party noisemaker things making lots of noise.

I shut the door.

I don't really remember shutting the door, but I do remember that the whole deal just didn't compute. So I think I just figured I'm gonna go ahead and shut the door and try this again because I am not at all clear as to what is happening here.

But when I open the door again, the scene is the same. There are streamers and balloons. The dude with the camera is my friend Nicci's husband. I look right and I see a bunch of grad school friends. I look left and I see a bunch of work friends. Then I see some friends from high school, including one from out of town.

And then my brain kind of slowly starts to catch on. Umm, this might be a surprise party. For you.

And people keep appearing. And I cannot believe it. When I tell you, Internet, that I was completely and totally surprised, and I suspected absolutely nothing? It is the absolute God's honest truth. I had no idea.

And the coolest, most unbelievably amazing part of this whole thing? My daughter did this for me.

She gathered up the huge majority of people I love and enjoy most in this world. She figured out how to contact them. She sent messages through Facebook. She took my phone at some point (again, me, clueless) and pulled phone numbers out of my contacts. In one instance, she and my mom called an old boss to get the number of a former co-worker who is a good friend of mine.

My parents said she did absolutely everything she could do herself, herself. Of course, she couldn't buy the food or smoke the brisket, or buy the beer, so she recruited my parents. But she apparently had been planning and working on this for a long time, which was clear by how well she executed the whole thing.

She is an amazing person, my daughter. She did this for me. Because she loves me. Because she wanted to make me happy. Because she has a huge heart. I know I say things like this a lot here, but I have no idea, no idea, how I ended up with such an indescribably wonderful child. But my God am I ever thankful for her.

One of my favorite things about the day was seeing the interaction among my various friend groups. At one point I just stood there and watched two of my best friends from high school having a conversation with two of my best friends from work. It was so so cool. Or my good friend with a one-year-old talking to another friend with a one-month-old. People making connections. It was surreal, having everyone together like that. And totally and completely and utterly and insanely fabulous.

I didn't really know what to do with myself. I was so humbled that all of these people had come for me. I almost felt embarrassed by it, but in a nice way. For as much as I like to joke about being an attention whore, which I certainly am in some ways, this kind of attention is different. I don't know how to describe it other than humbling. I don't feel like I really deserve the kind of love I was shown yesterday, but I surely do appreciate it.

There were some people that didn't make the list that would have if Sarah had my help, although not that many. She did a great job. But you know who you are, and you know it's not in any way personal. I wish everyone I love could have been here, but it was a pretty awesome showing. I think heaven will be something like that - a party with my favorite people.

FORTY

2012-01-01T10:00:00.002-06:00

Boom.

It couldn't feel any better.

I had the best New Year's Eve/Clare's Birthday Eve celebration I can remember.

It started with dinner at Eddie V's, which never disappoints.

Then there were front row seats to the Austin fireworks.

Then we sent our Chinese lanterns, and our wishes, out into the night and they were amazing. I didn't know they would fly so high or be so bright and visible in the sky.

And here is my first picture, age forty. I am one lucky, lucky mama.

Then we danced our little butts off.

I was so glad to be with Sarah when the clock struck midnight. We had so much fun last night. And I am so glad not to be hungover, honestly, on my first day of forty.

Today it's brunch with another good friend, then cake and presents and more happiness. And appreciating the Facebook love from so many.

Life looks good at forty.

Wishes, and the year ahead

2011-12-31T09:38:00.000-06:00

It's the last day of 2011, and the last day of my thirties. It is absolutely gorgeous outside. I woke up to a quiet house and made myself a big awesome breakfast. I am dining with my family tonight at my favorite spot, and then Sarah and I are going to another party where we will send Chinese lanterns out into the night with our wishes, and say goodbye to 2011.

I don't have my wish formulated yet. I am not sure what to wish for. And it feels really important, this wish. By tonight, I'll have it. And out it will go, floating in the night air, in a pretty lantern, along with my first four decades of living.

I am pretty much planning a year-long celebration of forty. I mean, why the hell not? I am turning forty in such a happy, healthy place.

I have a big birthday party in Vegas in a week and a half. If you're wondering why you weren't invited, it's on a Wednesday night and I'm tacking it on to the beginning of a work trip. This party is all of my friends from work (plus one or two who are coming out for it), who conveniently happen to be some of my very best friends. There is a suite, and there are reservations, and there is shopping to be done and much anticipation. I will be purchasing some fabulous, inappropriate for forty, dress that looks kick-ass with my new boots. And yes, Internet, you will definitely get some pictures.

Then in March, it's a week in Maui. With two of my best friends who turned forty a couple of months before me. The goal there? I want to be happy enough with my body to post a picture of myself in a bikini on Facebook. You heard it here first.

And here is what I've just added. I'm going to Europe in June, while Sarah is at camp, by myself. A friend of mine is going to connect me with his friends across the pond. I will go to the places I've always wanted to see and then let the wind, and strangers, take me where they will.

Thank you for reading, and being supportive of my writing. So many of you pull me aside and tell me that you enjoy my blog and I can't tell you how much I appreciate that. It's fun to write, and it's even more fun to know that you enjoy reading it. I wish each of you a happy, healthy, prosperous New Year. I hope 2012 is wonderful for all of us.

Gifts

2011-12-29T08:28:00.001-06:00

I can't take off my boots. I don't remember the last time I enjoyed a gift more.

Gifts really aren't a big part of a single mama's life. I mean, who is going to do that for me? I get a little something from my parents. Often they will help Sarah get something for me, if she has her mind set on something and makes it happen. Not always. Last year there were no gifts on my birthday. I'm not complaining, just stating the facts. If I were married, it would be different.

Then the last several guys I've dated just haven't been gift givers.

I think this is why I can't take off my boots.

I keep looking around. Are you sure these are for me?

A really great thing about these boots is that they are not the ones I would have chosen. They're better. I know what I would have gotten. They would have been black. They would have been a little taller. They would have looked like most everything else in my closet, and fallen in alongside the black suede Michael Kors ankle boots and the black leather Michael Kors tall boots. And my very high heeled tall black suede boots that I affectionately refer to as my hooker boots.

But these...these are way more fun. And they are very me. I just didn't know it until I put them on. And this makes them the perfect gift.

And now I won't take them off.

Breath of heaven

2011-12-25T23:13:00.000-06:00

Breath of heaven hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of heaven

I have had a truly great holiday season. From the minute we hit Thanksgiving this season has been filled with friends, family, and lots of fun. More parties than I can count. But I never felt Christmas. I never listened to a single Christmas carol. I didn't go to the mall, and see all of the fun decorations. We didn't even manage to get ornaments on our tree. I didn't go to church. But I haven't really missed all of that this season. It has just been too much fun.

And then? Christmas came.

I don't know what happened today, but I was suddenly very compelled to listen to Amy Grant's "Breath of Heaven." A thousand times. And I read the letter from Sarah. And I cried. And then cried a little more. All happy, grateful tears. I would be making pie...and cry. You know, when you just get a rush of gratefulness? Is that just me?

Then I downloaded tons of Christmas music. (I love me some Amy Grant at Christmas time!) And I remembered what Christmas means. And I was grateful. And I believe.

And in a few hours today, on Christmas Day, I got all of the lovely stuff Christmas is made of. Today was magic. I felt it. I have been so distracted I never even thought about Christmas. And Christmas showed up anyway. It has nothing to do with Santa, and all of that stuff. Sarah wasn't even here. She is with her dad on Christmas. It was Christmas. It was God showing up here.

Emmanuel, God is with us. What a gift.

And then? I met a sweet someone for drinks tonight and he gave me a pair of cowboy boots for Christmas. Cowboy boots! Just the one thing I really, really wanted. And the one thing I just couldn't/wouldn't go buy for myself for some reason. Such a fun surprise. For me. Sighs.

I have had myself a very merry little Christmas.

Christmas

2011-12-25T11:52:00.000-06:00

Sarah got me a beautiful blanket for Christmas, and I love it. But the best gift was a handwritten note from her. I won't post the whole thing here because of course, it's very personal. But an excerpt:

I can't fit how much I love you into one card. I love you more than just to the moon and back because the moon (and universe) isn't far enough.

She also, at age twelve, smack-dab in the middle of middle school, acknowledged that even when she is arguing with me, or pushing back on me about something, she knows I am "totally right" and that my motivation is always to "make things better."

I am kind of glad she wasn't here when I read her card (she is with her dad for Christmas) because like me, she isn't all that comfortable with big emotional displays, and I had a big emotional response to reading her sweet words. I really and truly could not have asked for a better gift than that one. A mother's work is never done, and it's a rare thing to get such confirmation that you are doing something, anything right. I do the best I can and then I worry. I worry it's not enough. I worry I'm missing something. I worry my best falls way short. This morning, I feel like I'm doing something right in the most important job I will ever have in my life which is raising this incredible human being.

Needless to say I am feeling overwhelmingly blessed and loved this Christmas morning. I wish the same for each one of you.

Score!

2011-12-23T13:39:00.000-06:00

With over a week left my scale gave up the number I wanted to see when I turn forty. I did a double-take this morning. I got off the scale, and back on, just to be sure. And yes, there it was. For reals.

Here's the great thing about it. I have been supremely healthy. This wasn't a crash diet. I am constantly (and I mean constantly, it's kind of a pain the ass, really) eating. I am eating plenty of calories. I pour heavy cream in my coffee. I cook with real butter. I eat a lot of steak. I eat a lot of eggs. And a lot of vegetables. I still drink way too much wine. And occasionally eat nachos in the middle of the night.

What I'm not eating are carbs, other than what carbs are in the vegetables I eat. And I don't eat carby starchy veggies like potatoes or corn. And I avoid sugar. Other than what's in the wine I drink. I missed Mexican food terribly for awhile but at the end of the day, I like looking like this and feeling this good more than I like a tortilla chip.

I work out with my trainer once or twice a week. I don't do any cardio. I hate cardio, and I don't have to chase down prey for food or anything so I don't see the point in it. We do all strength training. This mama is strong. And of course as a middle-aged woman, I have to worry about bone density, and there is pretty much nothing better than lean muscle mass to promote healthy bones. (And yes. I did just call myself a middle-aged woman. I did. I'm cool with it.)

If you're wondering, and perhaps scoffing at my relatively high fat/high protein/low carb/no cardio plan? I just got blood work done this week and my numbers are perfect.

Forty has absolutely nothing on me.

Being a girl. And being a wiser girl.

2011-12-22T08:27:00.000-06:00

The other night I went to a Christmas party where a fairly recent ex was with his new girlfriend who he is totally into. As a chick, I couldn't help but be fascinated to meet her so I was glad they were going to the party. What does she look like? What is she like? It didn't work between us, so what does work for him? I was just so curious. When I first got there I only saw him and thought - damn! Maybe she didn't come! But she had, she just wasn't with him at that moment.

I am not really sure why it is so intriguing, but it seems to be a global chick thing from discussions with my girlfriends. You just want to know.

I didn't spend a lot of time talking to this girl of course, but my takeaway was that she is the polar opposite of me in every way imaginable. And for some reason, that did serious good for my soul.

They looked right together. They seemed easy together. With us? We never looked right together, and there was a tension between us more often than not. We challenged each other constantly in unhealthy ways. I definitely did not see that between the two of them. I got the impression he really wants to make her happy, which was not our dynamic. But after meeting her, I get it. She is different from me, and she is different from the girls I hang out with. And those two fit; she is who he wanted. We did not fit. If I heard that once I heard that a thousand times from my friends. I would argue and deny that but of course in the end, they were all right, and seeing him with this girl crystallized it for me. That works. We don't.

This little research project confirmed one of the things I've learned this year about who I am attracted to, and more importantly, who is attracted to me. The men who have come kind of barreling into my life this year, and I am thinking about three in particular, are all cut from the same cloth. It has been very interesting. When and if I decide I want to expend any energy to find someone, I know who I am looking for. I wasn't trying to figure it out but it's like the freaking universe is saying - HEY, LOOK, HERE'S ANOTHER ONE. AND ONE MORE. FOR GOOD MEASURE. THIS IS THE KIND YOU NEED TO BE WITH.

Okay, I hear you Big Guy in the Sky. And when I'm ready, I know who I am looking for. Back to my old shrink Victor who said I needed to adjust my radar. Somehow, this year, I did it. Maybe it was ALL the introspection I did about me and men (all kinds of posts on that shit this year). But I am definitely attracting a different breed, and I like this breed, a lot. Hello, forty. We are going to have so much fun.

Yes please

2011-12-19T21:28:00.000-06:00

A friend of mine gave me a Christmas gift the other night. It was a box of wine charms and he said - I saw this and I thought of you. It was just perfect.

The charms have words. And they are:

Dreamy

Fabulous

Charming

Sweet

Hot
Gorgeous

Are there words to describe how much I love this gift?

Nope.

Two weeks away

2011-12-18T20:31:00.000-06:00

Alright so now it's down to the last 3.8 lbs. But if I don't lose another ounce I'm pretty happy with this body of mine at this point. I will reach forty in two weeks at a really good place both physically and mentally, and that was the goal.

I'm ready to turn this corner. I'm leaving some things behind, to live forever in my thirties. Some insecurities, mostly. A couple of dreams. But I'm ready for new dreams. I don't even know what those dreams will look like yet, but they are percolating in the back of my mind. And once I have fleshed them out, I'm going after them.

I don't want a relationship. I am astonishingly close to having a teenager in the house. I just don't want the distraction or interruption of a new relationship right now or in the foreseeable future as I try to provide as stable of an environment as I can for my one beautiful child. I admittedly want and need male attention, but I get it. I get enough of it to keep me very content. Maybe at 50. Maybe that's when I will revisit this issue. But there is just nothing in me that wants to go down that road right now.

I do want to continue to enjoy the amazing people in my life. This holiday has been filled with friends and parties and I've loved it. Life is about the people you meet and the things you create with them. I want to keep meeting, and keep creating. I want lots of nights like last night (except the part where I get home at 4 a.m.). I want lots of great talks over sushi with Sarah. I want to continue to enjoy my parents like I do, and appreciate the incredible environment I get to raise my daughter in.

I want to cook more. I want to write more (always). I want to remember my friend Kris, and honor her memory by appreciating my health and my body every day and never ever taking that for granted. I want to travel. With Sarah. With friends. By myself. I've got lots of awesome life left to live and I'm looking forward to living it.

The last five lbs

2011-12-11T09:35:00.001-06:00

As I've written about sort of incessantly, (so it's not like you people who regularly read this don't already know this, but...) I'm turning forty in a few weeks.

I am trying VERY HARD to get down to my age thirty weight for my fortieth birthday. That is my birthday present to me. I have made great progress in a very healthy way but now I'm down to the dreaded last five pounds. And I am in a serious battle with those f'ers.

So here's the deal. I look fine as is. I am one of those people you hate. I am not happy with my weight, but I'm in great shape. I'm sorry for the obnoxiousness of it all but I know it is only going to get harder to stay fit as I age and I want to hit 40 in a really good, really healthy place and then work to stay there.

I totally understand that we gain weight as we age but we don't have to. It's just hard not to. I am ten lbs heavier now (well, five at this point) than I was when I turned thirty. But the weight I was at when I was thirty is a very healthy weight for me (trust me on this. I don't like skinny, I like healthy, and I was.) And I just refuse to resign myself to the fact that I'm going to gain a lb a year for the rest of my life. If I do that? I am not going to be healthy at 50, much less 60. And I plan on living full out until my time is up.

I've been into this little project for a couple of weeks now. I'm working out with my trainer twice a week (instead of once a week) probably until March when I go to Maui with my two girlfriends who have killer bodies. It's brutal to do that twice a week, and expensive. I'm eating right, and often, and enough. And I am freaking STUCK on those last five f'ing pounds. WHY are those such a bitch to lose?

And yes. I'm doing this during the holidays because I am a freaking glutton for punishment. I have Christmas parties every single week. Two great ones next weekend. I've mostly survived the parties thus far but I may have eaten nachos at two in the morning after seeing Bob Schneider play at a private party recently. But those slip ups are rare and come on. On a night like that you've just gotta enjoy. And for as much as I want to lose these mother f'ing last five pounds, there is some balance to strike.

I will report back next weekend. After the parties. And hopefully I will have good news to report.

Here's a little video I took of Bob singing my favorite song the other night. Before the nachos.

Glitter Gloss, by Sarah

2011-12-09T07:47:00.001-06:00

My super talented beautiful daughter wrote this poem and I had to immediately put it here.

Glitter Gloss, by Sarah

Glitter gloss, sparkled round, put on lips, boyfriend bound

Hair pulled back, shining smile, never complete without the glitter vial

Glitter here, glitter there, come back home, lips now bare

Say goodnight, tuck in tight, and think about your glitter gloss night

Sunday morning musings

2011-12-04T09:13:00.001-06:00

I try to reserve Sunday mornings for stream-of-consciousness-babbling from yours truly. Currently I am in one of my favorite spots: In bed, looking out my big window at the rain falling, with the dog curled up next to me and a cup of coffee to my right. I like to spend about an hour like this every Sunday if I can swing it.

Yesterday I said to Sarah: The dog looks fat. I've never thought the dog was fat before. Does the dog look fat to you?

Sarah: She ate an entire large pizza last night, minus the two slices I had already eaten.

Me: Ah. That explains it.

I swear I could see the pizza on the dog. Silly animal. An entire pizza?

Sarah and I went to a really fabulous Christmas party last night. She looked stunning in a dress she found herself and got an awesome deal on at the mall yesterday. I love that she got all of these skills I don't have. The kid knows how to shop, and even how to shop on a budget (I don't know how to do that), she knows how to do her hair, her makeup, put shit together. She is now my go-to fashion expert and I totally trust her if she tells me something looks good on me.

I took a lot of good pictures and Sarah was asking me to send her a bunch of them so she could post them on Facebook (like mother like daughter). I was teasing her a little and said, I notice you have not asked me for any of the pictures of you and me. She just gave me a look that only a twelve-year-old can make. Then a bit later she did ask me to send this one:

I said, So basically, you're going to cut me out of that picture and use it as your profile pic, right?

I was totally right. It cracked me up. I love having a twelve-year-old who loves me but is very serious about abiding by the unspoken rules of middle school when it comes to your mother. It doesn't bother me in the least. I remember being that age and I do my best to give her the space she needs to navigate those treacherous waters. I'm certainly not going to do anything to make it harder than it already is.

She ended up using a different picture as her profile picture, and it just might be one of my favorite pictures of her ever. It just captures my girl. Enjoy.

30 days to 40

2011-12-01T20:34:00.001-06:00

I turn forty in thirty days (not counting today, anyway). I'm in the last days of my thirties. It's just so very strange. I'm looking at forty. It's the next exit.

I turned thirty in Big's arms in California. Sarah was two.

I am certain I thought about where I would be in ten years, because those are the kinds of things I think about. And I'm pretty sure I thought I would be remarried with more kids. But I'm also certain I am not at all disappointed in how my thirties actually played out.

My thirties have been fantastic. So much better than my twenties. The twenties are filled with uncertainty, and restlessness to move ahead, to move sideways, just to move, to figure it all out. The thirties? No. You just enjoy the ride. It's fun.

A lot of new friends entered my life in the last ten years, friends I think will be with me for the rest of the journey.

I am closing out my thirties in a significantly better place in my career than I began them. But I also have a totally different perspective on my career. I no longer want to be the golden girl at work. I just want to do my job and make enough money to enjoy my life outside of it.

I got to know myself in my thirties, for the first time, really.

I went back to school and got my MBA.

This blog was born in my thirties.

I raised my daughter from two to twelve. And I could not be more proud of the beautiful young woman she has grown into.

I dated some really great men, but didn't fine the One. Figured out I don't really believe in the One, but heading into forty I have a better understanding of what I want and need from a partner.

I look at the world very differently, ten years later. I am too jaded and cynical when it comes to love, and I suppose that is the one tragedy of my thirties. But I live in a state of almost bewildered gratitude for how delicious life is despite that.

My body is in better shape health-wise than it has ever been. I'm stronger, physically, than I was ten years ago. And incredibly comfortable and confident in my skin, even though I am still my own worst critic.

My thirties were very very good to me. I'm honestly kind of amused by who I am, heading into forty. But my thirties gave me the confidence to just own it. I am who I am. There are things I like about myself, and certainly things I don't, but I'm more forgiving of myself and of others at this stage in the game. Getting older really does rock.

I will try to fix you

2011-11-30T21:18:00.001-06:00

Tonight Sarah said, about the song "Fix You" by Coldplay, "It makes me think of Hannah. I don't really know why."

I know why, baby.

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace

Shine Get-It Guide: Most Popular Jeans

2011-11-29T18:12:00.001-06:00

And, my second assignment was...jeans! Cue the cheers! Y'all know I love jeans. Oh I love them. I mean, I hate them in the dressing room. But then I get them hemmed. And then they come home. And then? It's...love.

So this time Shine sent us the assignment: Pick a style (skinny, boot cut, etc.) and then try on jeans from Lee, Levi's, Lucky and True Religion in that style. And they sent us a gift card to use on our favorite pair.

I was somewhat horrified to try on Lee jeans. I didn't even know where to find them. Found them at JC Penney's. Even if they had looked great (they didn't), I couldn't get passed the fact they were Lee's. The Lucky jeans made me look fat. The Levi's? I kind of liked the Levi's. But Levi's just feel wrong for me and my life. I think when I start wearing Levi's it might mean I don't care so much anymore. And I hope that doesn't happen until Sarah's babies are having babies.

But the True Religions...hello, Lover. Leave it to me to like, and buy, the one pair of jeans the gift card didn't more than cover. They went on like a dream. They make my ass look great. They totally hold their shape all day. I feel great in them. Sold.

You can read my official review here, and please do, and comment!
Get It Guide: Do these jeans make me look fat?

Introducing the Yahoo! Shine Get It Guide

2011-11-27T09:57:00.001-06:00

I know I've mentioned that I'm doing this deal with Shine from Yahoo! but I haven't really given much detail about it. So here you go!

I'm a Get It Guide (GIG) Guru for Shine. There are ten of us, and every couple of weeks we review products that are trending on the Shine site. Shine really tries to get the voice of their audience into the site, one of the many things I like about it. If you aren't familiar with Shine, go check it out. It is a great site catering to women and covering topics like Love + Sex, Parenting, Fashion, Food. I have written articles for Shine that have been featured in both their Love + Sex (A single mom's guide to men) and Parenting (talking about breakfast in this one) sections.

I often get asked how I ended up doing this. I entered a contest about a year ago when Shine was looking for Parenting Gurus. They asked for a short post about a family tradition. I wrote about Monday Night Sushi, and was selected. That opened the door to this opportunity. So yes, I'm a Guru twice over. Oddly, I'm not a Dating Guru. (That was a joke.)

Our first assignment was Celebrity Fragrances. I got a box delivered to me with fragrances by Beyonce, Britney Spears, Jennifer Aniston, and Justin Bieber. Yes, Justin Bieber, and yes it was perfume. Sarah happened to have three friends over when I opened the box so, not only did I get major cool mama points for the fun perfumes, but the Britney and Justin fragrances disappeared into Sarah's room almost immediately. You can see what I thought about the various scents here: Clare's Review

I'm not allowed to talk about what we are reviewing until it's public. I loved the second assignment...it was something near and dear to my heart. I think that is going live tomorrow or sometime next week (check back here, I'll let you know when it's up). But it is super fun getting the assignments. They always surprise us and it's always something fun. It's like Christmas when I get a box delivered from Shine. Sarah loves it. I got my third assignment about a week ago and she totally flipped out over one of items.

The other Gurus all have these major blogs so I'm kind of the outlier, but I'm happy to be in the group! Go check out these cool ladies when you have a minute.

Sahar Aker
Sahar Aker is veteran journalist and TV health reporter. Her videos have aired on dozens of local television stations across the country, as well as on CNN. Her posts on healthy living have been featured on sites like Reuters and USAToday as well as on Shine, Yahoo!'s front page and her fitness website FatFighterTV.

Shelby Barone
Shelby Barone is a freelance writer in Orange County and writes a popular family nutrition column with The Orange County Register and OC Family Magazine. She loves volunteering in her community and also writes a lifestyle blog at feltstories.com.

Tina Case
Tina Case is a mother of three, freelance writer and professional photographer. In addition to writing for Shine and Yahoo! on a regular basis and providing photography for magazines like InTouch and Travel and Leisure, Tina is co-editor of two blogs, Parent Grapevine and Moms Who Click and a member if the Yahoo! Mother Board.

Katie Dillon
Katie Dillon writes LaJollaMom.com, a lifestyle site covering parenting, travel, cooking with kids, home management and local happenings in her seaside community. She has also written an eBook about flying with kids and is a is a member of the Yahoo! Mother Board.

Jodi Grundig
Jodi Grundig is a mom of two with an MBA in finance and over ten years of corporate finance experience, She is a sought-after brand ambassador, travel writer, mom blogger and brand consultant. Jodi has been blogging since 2007, when she founded the popular mom review blog Mom's Favorite Stuff. She is also a member of the Yahoo! Mother Board.

Ashley Laurel
Ashley Laurel is the founder of Pretty-Innovative, a blog about the convergence of fashion and technology, co-founder of social meetup group @DigitallyChic, and social media analyst for IDG.

Sarah Lipoff
Sarah Lipoff loves using her background as an art educator to make lots of messy art projects and stir things up in the kitchen with her two year old daughter. She also loves spending time searching out and trying new things and sharing it all on her blog at sarahlipoff.com. Sarah's recipe posts on Shine have been featured on the front page of Yahoo!.

Anne-Marie Nichols
Anne-Marie Nichols, is a mom of two and runs the nationally recognized "This Mama Cooks! On a Diet™" blog, where she shares healthy recipes and lifestyle tips for busy moms and their families. She is also a member of the Yahoo! Mother Board.

Michelle Rivera
Michelle Rivera, in addition to being a mom, is an Emmy Award winning TV host and campaign spokesperson. Michelle has also combined her passion for motherhood with her passion for Hollywood to create her online magazine Mommyhood to Hollywood, which also includes Michelle's blog.

Giving thanks

2011-11-26T09:43:00.001-06:00

My favorite holiday, Thanksgiving. Hands down. It's about being thankful, and I am so thankful.

This year felt a little different for reasons I haven't figured out yet. It was more subdued, but in one very important way this has been one of the nicest Thanksgiving holidays I can remember. I've gotten time with Sarah in both quantity and quality. I've felt super present with her, and close to her. And since she is at the very top of the chart as far as things I am thankful for? Well, it has been a lovely holiday.

I am profoundly grateful for this life. For my family, for my friends, for my job, for my health.

For my dog, for rainy Saturday mornings, for cheesy romantic comedies. For songs that make me cry.

For a perfectly cooked steak paired with the perfect bottle of red wine.

That I get to work with girls whom I count among my best friends. That every year I have dinner with four girls I've been friends with since I was eleven. That I'm celebrating turning forty in Maui with two girls who are gifts of my middle age.

For this random blog, and for the relationship I now have with Yahoo! and how much fun that is. That I'm getting paid to do fun reviews, and I'm getting cool stuff (love my new True Religions, Yahoo!).

I'm thankful for the men in my life too. You know who you are. You guys who love me and make me feel awesome even though I don't have a boyfriend/husband/partner. There have been many of you this year, and I'm thankful for each one and the role you've played.

I'm thankful for how over-the-freaking-top fun this year has been. Holy shit. From a really random trip to Atlanta in January, to Puerto Rico in March - endless fun with friends and a dash of really awesome romance. A crazy fun business trip to Vegas in May. A wedding in Sonoma in June that was five days of awesomeness. A week at the beach with Sarah and friends in July. An amazing night out in Nashville with an amazing man at the end of July. A wonderful trip to Chicago with Sarah in August. Communing with the universe in Mammoth in October. Another great Nashville trip in November. This...this is how I wanted to close out my thirties. Living.

I'm thankful for the introspection this year has brought, and how I feel I've grown as a person. Some of it was hard to take. I have made more than my fair share of my mistakes. I have regrets. I lost a friend to cancer. A child that I love as much as I could love a child not my own is lost and I'm lost as to how to help her. I'm helpless. Something I don't often feel, but I've felt it in a couple of situations this year.

But I am a better person closing out this year than I was beginning it. Growth is good, and necessary, even if it is painful at times. I certainly learn more from the hard and painful parts than I do from the easy and fun parts.

I've now got my sights set on turning forty about a month from now. I've got some things I want to do before then, and I will do them. Bring it, forty!

Makeup

2011-11-20T13:41:00.001-06:00

Y'all, I love makeup. It's like shoes and jeans for me. That much fun to buy, wear, etc.

I've been wearing it since I'm not entirely sure when. It was 6th or 7th grade. My mother took me and my best friend to the Clinique counter, where someone showed us how to (appropriately) apply makeup. I vividly remember that day, and coming home with all of those tubes and bottles and brushes and how excited I was about it all.

Sarah has watched me put on makeup her entire life, and she has always been intrigued with it. She has been wanting to wear makeup since she could talk. I've told her forever I would take her to get hers done when she was thirteen. And I did try to stick to that, but the fact is, all of the girls in 7th grade (age twelve) are wearing makeup. Sarah was actually quite patient about the whole thing. She would just occasionally mention to me that she was the only girl in the 7th grade not wearing makeup, which was confirmed every time I saw any of her friends.

So, a couple of weeks ago, I took her to the MAC store at the Domain for the big makeover. It didn't go so well. The woman (on right) had no idea how to deal with a twelve-year-old girl. She put some powder and gloss on her, like she was maybe eight years old and just playing makeup, and kind of sent us on our way. I tried, unsuccessfully, to get this woman to do what I had in mind, which was to sit her down, and give her a lesson in how to do it. We left the store with said powder and gloss. Walking out, I was questioning Sarah - Are you okay with what you got?

Yes, mama.

Totally knew she wasn't diggin' it but she is just such a sweet child and didn't want to appear ungrateful. And then? There were quiet tears in the car. Knew it. She was really disappointed by the whole thing, as was I. It just wasn't what either of us had in mind.

I quickly formulated a backup plan. I had to run to Nordstrom's for something, so we went directly to the MAC counter there. A very nice, much more approachable, younger, associate greeted us. I explained what we wanted, and that we really hadn't gotten it at the MAC store. She immediately understood, sat Sarah in a chair, took off the makeup the woman at the other store had done, and worked magic on my already beautiful girl. Check it out --->

Now that is a happy girl. She loved it.

Since then, she has been practicing and wearing makeup every day and the girl is a pro. No surprise really. And while I was kind of dreading the makeup thing because I love that beautiful face without anything on it? I have to admit that she looks gorgeous with it on as well.

It's just another one of those things. She's wearing makeup now. I can't stop this train. And since I can't, I'm going to try to enjoy the ride with her. I'm going to make these little milestones events every time I can. I know she will remember this day with me. It was cool, and fun, once we finally got where we needed to be.

And here we are, about a week later, before we headed out to see South Pacific. She did that all on her own. I think in no time she'll be teaching me new tricks.

Exposed

2011-11-16T20:27:00.001-06:00

So here is the disturbing thing that's happening now. You can google my full name and wind up here. Easily. And people are. No, I cannot tell who specifically comes here (don't stress) but I can tell how people get here - i.e. if they google my full name.

I tried really hard to prevent that from happening for a long time, but knew, when I accepted the Get it Guide assignment with Yahoo! that this would be the case and decided to let it go. [Sidebar: Please note that fancy badge over there on the right. I'm not so sure the pink really goes with the orange but whatever. Shine asked us GIG Gurus to put those on our sites so...there ya have it.]

So, hi. Yes, I blog. About parenting. About dating, if you can call it that. About how I try to live in the moment and squeeze everything I can out of this awesome life. About how much I love having crazy fun with my friends but how ultimately I love nothing more than being home with my family. About how I'm about to turn forty, and how much I love that. About how interesting and rich I find this life. And about how often, the really yummy stuff is in the smallest of details, the smallest of interactions.

I write because writing forces me to deal with what is in my head. I write because I just like to write, and I like doing it here because I can write just exactly like I talk and not worry about grammatical correctness and all that jazz. Nobody's grading me. I write here because having an audience, albeit a small one, makes me feel like I'm having a conversation, and I like feeling connected.

So, if you're just curious about who that blonde Get it Guide Guru is so you googled me and got here, or if you know me and just wondered what you could find out about me (turns out, a lot!), welcome. Leave me a comment or shoot me an email. I like the conversation.

Lingering

2011-11-12T21:59:00.001-06:00

The black car pulled up smoothly and quietly to the port-cochere of the hotel. She leaned across the back seat to say thank you, and to give him a parting hug.

"Oh, I'll get out," he said.

She got out of the car and walked around to where he was standing. She thanked him for the evening, and they hugged one another warmly.

He looked at her standing there, and paused for a second, furrowing his brow in contemplation.

"Do they... do they have a bar in there?" he asked.

"They do," she said.

"Would you like to have one more drink with me? I'm already late for my flight so..." and he shrugged his shoulders. He seemed somewhat hesitant, as if he were surprised at himself for asking, which she found delightful.

She smiled. "Yes, that would be great."

He leaned in to his driver. "Would you mind...?"

"No sir. Take your time."

And they walked into the hotel lobby for one more drink.

Sometimes a simple exchange between two people can be full of the intangible, delicious stuff life is made of. And I'm not sure there is anything more flattering than someone wanting to linger with me.

Heart of the world

2011-11-10T07:34:00.001-06:00

I'm doing that thing I do with songs. I cannot stop listening to "Heart of the World" by Lady Antebellum. Here's a little clip:

This song brings out the deep down happy in me.

If grease is the soul of the kitchen
And coffee the drink of the gods
A routine too perfect to mention
Time is a thief I would rob

I've again had lots of really fun adventures of late, and again, a "routine too perfect to mention" is what I will take over those fun adventures any day.

Speaking of adventures. I had one of those sliding doors moments the other night. I got an unexpected invitation that I think, had I taken it, would have led me down a really crazy, and possibly really good, road. I didn't take it, and I've been wondering if I should have. It's not like me to turn down adventure, especially one like this. But it happened too fast and even I have to think things through sometimes. And the way the night unfolded anyway was really good and makes me smile to think about. One of those. Another one of those.

If I made the right decision or the wrong decision, I know ultimately? The universe unfolds as it should.

Also. You know how I have that thing about bucks? There was a big one in the yard yesterday. He wasn't at all afraid of me and my car. I stopped, and we eyed each other for awhile. And then he laid down in the grass. There is definitely something happening here.

Beautiful girl

2011-11-06T21:50:00.000-06:00

I posted on Facebook tonight the following:

This was a beautiful day; I am a lucky girl.

And a friend responded:

This was a lucky day to have such a beautiful girl in it.

He is so right. I'll write a post on this day soon. This day that included my beautiful girl...

Keep on walking

2011-11-06T09:17:00.000-06:00

"If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking." -- Buddhist Proverb

I am facing in the right direction and I'm enjoying the walk. Life feels really good. I have many mantras I walk along to but lately this one

Life is about the people you meet, and the things you create with them

plays in my head the most.

Maybe it's a couple of hours sitting on a patio catching up with an old friend. Or hiking in California with a new one. Or having dinner with clients whose company I truly enjoy in Nashville. Or meeting people at a bar when I'm traveling for business (and feeling rather alone) and being invited to join them for a dinner birthday celebration. Or meeting someone on a flight and finding all kinds of connections. Or cooking a big breakfast for Sarah and her friends. The people I meet and the things I create with them. That's the good stuff.

It's Sunday morning, which is when I kind of take a breath and think about what is happening in my life, and this morning it just all feels good, and right. I'm going to keep on walking this direction and see what I can create.

Love, Passion and Adventure

2011-10-28T19:12:00.000-05:00

I haven't been in a relationship, technically speaking (and no need to split hairs, people), in about two years. But today I've been thinking about some great nights that have happened during this time. I've had some spectacular experiences with some spectacular men, who of course, will remain nameless. Three in particular stand out. Nights that, when I want to smile as I am falling asleep, I think about. Three very different nights with three very different men.

A select few of you can name all three. But this really isn't about the guys, it's about the experiences.

Love
Real, raw, impossible, thrilling, dreamlike, surreal. The night that love was a part of. Love made a brief appearance in my life. A dinner. A talk. A confession. A first, and last, kiss. Just a kiss. A glimpse of what maybe could have been. A fleeting moment of believing it still could be.

Passion
Unreal, exhilarating, fun, flattering, exciting. Bright lights, anticipation, music, dinner. Sneaking away. Laughter. Mutual admiration. Waves crashing, music playing, wine being poured. An early flight. A heartfelt goodbye. Promises never intended to be kept. Smiles. For days.

Adventure

Fun, laughter, easy companionship, uncomplicated, satisfying, cool. Mountains, stars, cold fresh air, rum, music, moonlight, water. Contentedness. Checked out of the small stuff and checked in to what matters, at least for a moment. Feeling connected to something much bigger.

Life is about the people you meet and the things you create with them.

I'm enjoying this ride. A lot.

The old dog. By Sarah.

2011-10-26T20:56:00.000-05:00

Sarah wrote this for a school assignment and I absolutely love it, and right on the heels of my cat post it just felt right to put it here. Her assignment was to write about an object that evoked feelings.

I have a scar on my cheek from a dog that I loved with all my heart. She was a best friend with a bad side, and when I look at that wingback chair I can't help but see Scout sitting in it with a dull look on her face.

It's an ugly blue with a pattern that is past it's due date. It has a curved top with four legs and an elegant design at the bottom. The chair started as a comfy sitting chair, but morphed into "Scout's comfy sitting chair." Nobody sat on it, and nobody bothered with it because it was useless.

Everybody said I should hate Scout, but I didn't. Forgive and forget, right? She slept at the bottom of my bed every single night and as the years went by it got harder for her to walk up the stairs, and it got harder and harder for me to realize that she would leave.

Scout died this summer while I was at camp.

But every day I still walk in to see that wingback chair, with dog hair, that nobody cleaned, from my dog Scout.

The cat

2011-10-24T19:35:00.000-05:00

That's my cat Theo. I got him in the fall of 1995. I was married, and living in married student housing at Stephen F. Austin University in Nacogdoches, TX. Oh, you didn't know I lived there? I know, me neither. More on that in a minute.

The cat, of course, was not allowed in married student housing but we kept him there for a couple of years anyway. He made many trips with me to Austin. Tranquilized to keep him from hurling all over the car. Then the cat moved with us (me, and my husband) to St. Louis. The cat loved St. Louis. There was a big field behind our apartment where he would roam during the day. When I got home from work I would stand on the back balcony and call and call him, until I would finally see this little gray blur running across the field. Sometimes with a mouse or other treat for me.

The cat moved back to Texas with us. The cat lost his place in my life when Sarah was born, and kind of made me pay for it when she was two and a half and he went after me and I ended up having seven stitches over my right eye. From that point on, in 2001, he has been an outside cat.

But to his credit, he made the transition. I've long since forgiven him for the altercation and the scar over my eye that only I can see. And I like that he jumps up on the windowsill to greet me every morning when I come down to make coffee.

Theo turned sixteen this summer, and he is tired, and sore. This cat has lived way more than nine lives, too much to write about here, but trust me, he has. It hurts him to walk. And he has let me know that he is tired, and ready to go.

And I've let him know I don't want him to go.

And I think he is humoring me right now by hanging on a little longer. But I know, that someday too soon, I will come down to make coffee, and he won't be here.

I am more sentimental than I like to admit, and I just don't want the cat to go. He is my touchstone to a life I might not believe I lived if I didn't have him. I have this cat, so I know it's not just a dream that I got married, and moved to East Texas, and lived in St. Louis, and moved back here, and had a baby, and took that baby home to the house I shared with her daddy. And got divorced, and all that followed to get me to....here. I've had the cat longer than I've had some of my best friends. I had the cat when I had a different last name.

I like the relationship I have with the cat. Every morning, I go out and feed him and we visit. "Remember that big field in St. Louis?" "Remember when you got hit by the car but you found your way home somehow?" "Remember that crazy dog I had in Nacogdoches that tortured you endlessly?" And he purrs. I'm pretty sure he remembers.

I don't want him to go, and I know he's going. I don't like to let go of things in general, and I feel like when he goes, so much goes with him. Like maybe that time in East Texas really does just become a dream. That weird, parallel life I once lived (I think), that I can see dimly in my memory but can't relate to at all anymore, other than that little gray cat that shows up in every scene...maybe that was just a dream after all.

Leave the pieces on the floor and move the f on

2011-10-22T21:00:00.000-05:00

Okay, so, sorry for all the foul language in the blog of late. Fact is, I cuss like a sailor, which I disclosed in one of my very early posts. Sometimes I try to clean up my language but I find that I just sort of, don't. I know many find that really unattractive. Sorry. Kind of.

So I ran across this quote tonight. Ready?

"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on." — Tupac Shakur

The pieces thing resonates with me. When I got divorced, I felt like all that I was left with was pieces of me, that I had to puzzle back together. I wrote about that here. And I thought about that, a lot.

Now, at thirty-nine (and I'm dying to say forty. I'm so ready for forty) I embrace the idea of leaving the pieces on the floor and moving the fuck on. We live in the here and the now. Life is now. Life is about the people we meet and the things we create with them. Life is short. It's too short to worry about how the pieces fit. Or what could've would've happened. I didn't know that at twenty-nine, but I sure do at thirty-nine.

There are things I wish I had but I don't. There are some regrets. There are things I really wish I could change, but I can't. But those things, those missing things, those regrets, those things I cannot change, aren't worth my time and energy. I'm going to keep moving the fuck on. Over-analyzing is a young person's game.

This is our universe, bitches!!!

2011-10-19T00:05:00.000-05:00

You know how I like to say you get what you need, right? I believe that generally, when you just really need something, it comes to you. You might not even know what it is you need until you get it. That's how it works with me, anyway.

I've had a tougher than usual couple of months. Honestly, that's not saying much. I have a really good life, and as I write about often, and I sincerely mean, I live in a state of gratitude for it, even with, or maybe especially with, the tougher than usual couple of months. But relatively speaking, tough.

I took off on a business trip last Thursday. I flew into San Francisco and hooked up with some dear friends for dinner. We were seated outside on a beautiful night. There was a dude playing acoustic guitar and singing, and there is very little I like more than that. And what was the first song he sang? "If I Had a Boat." Yes, a little Lyle Lovett far away from home. Needless to say, between the nice company and that? The trip started off well.

Did a little business Friday morning and then headed to Mammoth Lakes for some fun. I had never been to the Sierras, I now know someone who lives there, he invited me out, so I showed up. Flew into the most beautiful mountains and sunset I've ever seen.

Saturday night the plan was to camp by some hot springs. We loaded up and headed out. It was dark when we left Mammoth. My friend, who I'll call the boy, and I only mean boy in a good way (playful, genuine) took off on these dirt roads in the middle of nowhere, in the dark, navigating like a pro. I have no idea how he did that. We had good tunes playing on the way out, beverages in hand, it was all good. Arrive at a spot to camp, throw down some gear, and head down to the springs.

There are three people in the springs already. We say hello and slide into the perfectly temperate water in the chilly night. Our springs friends are from British Columbia and we like them immediately and strike up conversation. Or rather, the boy did, mostly, and I leaned back and completely and totally lost myself in the most beautiful starry sky I have ever seen. The milky way. Shooting stars. Stars. Stars. I had been craving a big starry sky, and oh how I got one. There is awesome music playing. There is a bottle of rum being passed around. There is friendly chatter. We're joined by a few more souls. And after a while it gets quiet for a minute. I think we were all lost in the stars. And then it happens.

"THIS IS OUR UNIVERSE, BITCHES!!!!!"

One of the dudes from BC yells that out into the silent night.

And it was so f'ing perfect I can't even stand it. We all cracked up but were also like "HELL YEAH!!!!" It captured the moment so perfectly. It was perfect. This is our universe. This is my universe. And it's amazing.

Our new friends leave just as the moon starts to rise. The moon rises big right in front of me and the boy and we are suddenly bathed in the most perfect, beautiful moonlight I've ever seen. It washed over us like a warm, milky bath. And we kissed in that gorgeous moonlight. Every girl needs to be kissed in gorgeous moonlight from time to time.

We head up to the campsite where the boy builds a perfect fire and puts on even more perfect tunes and we sit by that fire, under those stars, with that rum, and we sang and talked for hours. And then in typical Clare fashion, I took the hell off into the darkness.

I just needed something from that big starry sky. It's like the universe was saying - Yeah dude, I'm here. How can I help you? I think you were calling? I walked and walked and walked. I had no fear at all. I stared at the silhouette of the mountains looming in the darkness that stood silent and steady as I aired my grievances. I stared up at that benevolent starry sky. I cried and I asked why and I was answered.

And then I was lost. And intoxicated in so many ways.

But never afraid. I walked for a bit and after awhile I heard the music, and followed it back to the campsite. I'm going to say it even though it's so obvious. I followed the music back home. Works every time.

And a sidebar? Totally appreciate that the boy did not come looking for me because it would have so annoyed me. He totally respected and understood I needed some time out there and that I was fine, even though he really doesn't know me.

We slept on the ground with nothing between us and that big starry sky except a sleeping bag.

I woke up to a beautiful, huge blue sky, and silence. Deafening silence. The only sound I could hear was the breathing of the boy next to me.

I needed a huge starry sky. I needed the freshness of the mountains. I needed to breathe deeply. I needed some true silence. I needed to be kissed in the moonlight. I needed to enjoy strangers. I needed to make my peace with the universe.

The next day I needed to push my body harder than I have in awhile on a hike; to feel my heart pounding in my chest. I needed to feel like I was in the most holy cathedral of golden aspens. I needed to feel small and insignificant in that place.

I didn't know this is what I needed when I planned the trip. I knew I was struggling a little but I've just got too much going on to think about what I might need.

As I stood in front of yet another beautiful mountain range, my normal prayer popped into my head "Thou art everywhere but I worship thee he..." and then I interrupted myself with this:

THIS IS OUR UNIVERSE, BITCHES!!!!

Sailing away

2011-10-10T01:49:00.000-05:00

My friend Kris died tonight. I don't know how to even feel it, which is why I am here.

Sarah is in the 7th grade at O.Henry. I met Kris in the 7th grade at O.Henry.

We had this journal we wrote in, Kris and I. And one day, Kris drew a picture of this boat, with two people in it, and she named the boat "the KriClares." I can so vividly picture that drawing in my mind. She said we would sail away in the KriClares one day.

I remember walking down Greenlee Drive with Kris, in the pouring down rain, singing some awful George Michael song, and being happy and carefree. Just like Sarah and her friends are today. Cancer and death weren't in our vocabulary. I didn't look at my group of friends and think statistically, one of us was in trouble.

I remember getting busted by my parents, with Kris, on OU weekend...I guess it was 1984...for having a little party when they were out of town (one of the boys answered the phone when my dad called. We weren't too bright back then.) I remember I had my first kiss that very same night. And it was Kris who got that story first.

I remember Kris covered in green paint as she and I and the rest of our little group painted the den of my house.

I remember her so tall and smiling. Always smiling.

There is nothing good that comes from her death. Nothing. Her husband and her three beautiful children will survive. She will live on through them and all of us who loved her. But there is no silver lining. There is no putting this in perspective. In twenty years there won't be a - Oh, now I understand why that had to happen. No. It is simply, tragic.

Tragedy happens. I've learned that in the last year or so. I don't have a compartment for tragedy. But tonight I understand I'm not supposed to. Tragedy is outside of us. It beats on us and we just have to hold up to it as best we can. It's a hurricane. You buckle down and you wait for it to pass. There is destruction in its path and you clean up the best you can and you keep moving. And the sun rises, and the sun sets.

I knew Kris would die. I hated knowing that. I almost hated myself for knowing that. And now that it has happened, tonight, I don't know how to feel it. I felt the tears stream down my cheeks in a way I never have. I laid in the dark aware of my heartbeat, the wind from the fan on my face. Aware of Sarah sleeping in her room. Aware of my own aliveness.

I want to be aware of being alive more. I want to live, more. I want to appreciate my health, and take better care of my body, more. Out of respect for Kris. From what she was able to share, which is, if you have your health, you have everything, but you don't know that until it's taken away. I want to know that. Every day.

Oh Kris. You sailed away. But you're still very much here in those three beautiful children of yours. Somehow I know you now know the secrets of the universe, and you're smiling. I picture you steering that boat, the wind in your face, speeding across the ocean, smiling.

Before Sunset

2011-10-08T17:59:00.000-05:00

Yes, the movie. That came out in 2004. That I watched for the first time last night. I don't get around to seeing movies very often.

Sarah had three friends over and I've gotta be honest. I can only take the tweens, when they are many (there were four), in small doses. So, I stocked them up on junk food, ordered them a pizza, and retreated to my bedroom planning on having my own little "Dexter" marathon. But decided instead I wanted to watch some sort of chick flick.

For as far removed as I am from any kind of romance (and I am so far removed it's tragic, really) every now and then? I like to see it on screen.

I saw "Before Sunrise" way back whenever but never had any interest in "Before Sunset" and I'm not sure why I chose it last night. But holy hell I loved it.

What did I love? I loved that you could taste the longing between the two characters. I loved how well Linklater captured their initial meeting: the awkwardness and hesitation that dissipated so quickly. It was all so true. I loved their dialogue; I loved how they teased each other. I felt like I was eavesdropping, not watching a movie.

My favorite scene is when Celine loses it in the car. She isn't neat and tidy and convenient. She's real.

The whole thing struck a huge chord with me. When he says "I feel like if somebody were to touch me...I would dissolve into molecules." I get it. Not that I haven't been touched, but I get it.

And then there is this, from Celine:

I still have lots of dreams, but they're not in regards to my love life.
It doesn't make me sad, it's just the way it is.

I almost fell off of my bed. I've not heard how I feel about such things put into words before. It's dead on.

And truly, 99% of the time, it doesn't make me sad. The 1% is when something reminds me that it is possible that I could have that kind of love in my life. But 99% of the time I am not even aware of it as an option. Romantic love just doesn't feel in any way relevant for me, for many of the same reasons Celine gives when she loses it in the car. It's just the way it is.

I thought the ending of the movie was brilliant too. I had just spent time with a long, long time friend of mine and we talked a little about me and men and he said to me "But you're a romantic." That made me smile. Only someone who has known me as long as he has, long before marriage, long before divorce, long before this stretch of life I am in now, would say that about me. And it surprised me to hear because I am really out of touch with that. We exchanged some texts today and I told him I had watched this movie last night and he responded with "Knew you were a romantic."

And I suppose somewhere in me, I still am, because the way the movie played out in my head, after the credits rolled, was pretty awesome.

Heartbreak

2011-10-04T22:30:00.000-05:00

My heart is absolutely breaking for my friend Kris, who has run out of treatment options for her breast cancer. She is asking for prayers tonight, not for herself, but for her husband and her three beautiful children.

I hugged Sarah extra tight tonight, and told her I loved her like I always do. And like she always does she said "See ya in the morning" as I was walking out of her room.

I get to see her tomorrow morning, and for many mornings after barring catastrophe, and I am so grateful for that tonight I am reduced to a snotty mess of tears.

I am well loved; I love well. I have my health, and I have my daughter. I am as blessed as any human being could possibly be. I feel unworthy of that, and am just brought to my knees in humility and gratefulness.

The weekend in pictures

2011-10-02T22:26:00.002-05:00

First, meet my daughter, a young Audrey Hepburn. Or is it Grace Kelly? It's hard to tell. She is maybe a combination of the two beauties.

Next.
A friend of mine posted the "This is your life" picture on Facebook and I fell in love with it. It captures so well how I feel about this spin we get on this cool globe. Really, just zoom in and read it. Then read it again. Then let go of the little things, and tackle the big things. If you don't like something, change it.

Next. Add horses to my list of wonders. I love them. I especially loved the one in the picture below, that gave me a big ol' slobbery kiss today. Horses give me the same sensation as the ocean, somehow. They are beautiful, strong, and spiritual. I love them yet they kind of terrify me at the same time. I need to spend more time around horses. And the ocean. Obviously I'm riding a horse on the beach at the very next opportunity.

And finally, Sarah now officially wears the same size shoes as I do. Which led her to raid my closet this evening. I conceded the cool suede boots (above) with the caveat that I can "borrow" them when I want to. But the fabulous Tory Burch pumps (below) are mine. All mine.

Do you have any wonders?

2011-09-27T21:43:00.000-05:00

First, you aren't allowed to read this post if you don't first go read Meredith's post by clicking here.

Okay. So I am lucky enough to have hung out with Amelia and can hear her in my head saying "do you have any wonders?" But really it's more like "do you have any wonduwrs?"

That Amelia. She's a thinker.

But that story got me thinking. What are my wonders? When I look up to the sky, what do I fink [think] about?

Stars are one of my wonders. Light years fascinate me. I can't really wrap my head around how far away the stars are. I love nothing better than to totally lose myself in a big starry sky and there isn't much that thrills me more than a shooting star.

Oceans are another one of my wonders. So strong and powerful yet so calming but terrifying at the same time. Definitely a wonder. "Thou art everywhere but I worship thee here..."

And I think love is one of my wonders. Something I look up to the sky and think about. It fascinates me, it terrifies me. I want it but I run (really fast) from it. I don't believe in it but then sometimes, I do.

Then I'm with Amelia on the grass and mittens and stuffed animals and peoples.

Sideways Heart

2011-09-25T22:04:00.000-05:00

I bought this necklace today. See the sideways heart? I saw it and I just fell in love with it and had to have it. Funny that I would fall in love with a piece of jewelry that kind of symbolizes love.

But I like how that heart lays sideways. It doesn't have to. I can move the chain to where the heart lays on my chest the right way, but of course I don't want it that way. I saw it like this, I bought it like this, and this is how I will wear it.

Just feels right. I believe in love in some ways. But not in the up and down, straightforward, fairy tale way. I don't even want fairy tale love, assuming it exists, which I don't. I want a sideways love. I want an unconventional, real, imperfect, roll up your shirtsleeves and get your hands dirty but laugh your ass off while you love, love. Simple, beautiful, sideways.

I had an interesting weekend. It was good. I am forever indebted to one of my best friends for some very sage and timely advice. And for a four word text delivered with perfect timing from someone else. "I love your smile." I have definitely learned to ask for what I need. I asked for that text, although without specific instructions, and the dude got a perfect ten on that in both timing and content.

This Blog

2011-09-22T19:01:00.000-05:00

I have been writing here for about two and a half years. I write because I enjoy it. Because writing makes me discipline my thoughts and helps me sort things out. I enjoy connecting with people, and this blog has enabled a lot of that for me. Blogging has brought me one of my very favorite friends (Hi, Mer). This blog is my journal, and anyone who wants to read it, can read it, but I have never attempted to drive traffic here. That isn't what it is about for me.

Maybe that's because I have a full time job, and a full time kid, and a full time social life, and a full time family life, and when you add all that up, I kind of have a life that works overtime. But I'm paid richly for it. And this little blog of mine just sits in the background like a faithful friend.

But now I am about to do this assignment for Yahoo! that has the potential to drive many readers here and I'm feeling a little off about that. I am a Get It Guide Guru for Shine on Yahoo! along with ten other women from across the country....other women who have much fancier and more sophisticated blogs than my humble little corner of the internet. We will be prominently featured on the site for quite some time.

Do I want Life on the C Train to get that kind of attention? I suppose the real question is do I want that much attention?

I don't know but I think we (me, Life on the C Train) are about to get it. So hold on tight everybody. We'll see what happens!

Good news Friday

2011-09-16T20:03:00.000-05:00

Okay that is this corny thing that happens at work but I'm using it today. Here's my good news:

1. A little fantasy came true today. I'm gonna get paid to write! Not a lot, just a little stipend, but it's the principle of the thing. It's like this insanely cool met goal. I've been chosen by Shine at Yahoo! as a Get it Guide Guru. There were only ten of us chosen from across the country, and we'll be featured as experts in various areas. I'll be reviewing products, etc. I was so incredibly thrilled to get that news today! Apparently they are also going to feature me on Shine. I don't know what that means, and it makes me a little nervous but also super excited. Stay tuned and I'll share more as I know more.

And by the way, the money I do make on that deal? Jennifer and Meredith? We're going out on that, writing sisters, or using it in Hawaii.

2. I've got three happy 12-year-olds running around the house and I cooked a yummy dinner. Ah it finally feels like fall, and I love this.

3. Internet, I've been keeping something from you. But I've got a really fun-sounding weekend planned with a dude I've never mentioned here. That happens in October and I am really looking forward to it. I'm camping. Somewhere far away and cool. And that's right, no heels. It's gonna be big fun. Big, crazy, good fun. Can't wait.

Life...is good. I hope you are all having a great weekend!

The Awesome that was the past two days

2011-09-15T22:16:00.000-05:00

Awesome Thing Number 1: I managed to leak an entire bottle of water into my laptop bag on my way to Nashville. The laptop did survive. But not my various papers. And my lovely bag may not recover fully.

Awesome Thing Number 2: I managed to purse dial my ex in the airport this evening. Seriously? Of all the numbers my phone could randomly call, it needed to call that one?

Awesome Thing Number 3, the Most Awesome: My flight out of Nashville was delayed. I had a tight connection in Houston. My flight to Austin was the last of the night. Flight to Austin is delayed a little but by the time I land that flight is boarding. Of course I am way far away from the gate. I take off in a sprint. In these --->

I can see my gate. The door is still open. And then? It's like my ankles just get tangled up. I just, well, fell. I was at a full sprint, and I bit it. I have a rug burn on my wrist. The contents of my purse fly...they actually had to bring me my blackberry.

But ya know? I made that flight. Middle seat, very back, but I made it. And I'm home, and having a glass of wine while Sarah finishes homework. Awesome.

Prayers for Hannah

2011-09-07T21:45:00.000-05:00

Internet, if you pray, please pray for Hannah. Please pray for a little girl lost. For a situation I just cannot cannot get a grip on, get an understanding of, get any sanity about. I can't grab on to anything about this. Please pray for her.

I can handle this when it comes to Sarah. Something takes over and words come out of my mouth that make sense. The words make sense to Sarah. She is okay, for the most part. She's as okay as she can be, knowing something is terribly wrong. Knowing she won't see her sister for...we don't know how long. She's okay, mostly.

I'm not. I'm just really, really not. I wish someone could say words to me that would make sense; that would make me okay too.

More often as I get older, situations do not fit into my very convenient way of looking at the world. I have no place for this situation. No reference. There is none of my usual - life is all about perspective - bullshit.

90% of the time, life is all about perspective. Then 10% of the time, the time that seems to really matter the most, it's just not. Perspective doesn't matter. My sweet friend with breast cancer. And Hannah. Hannah.

It must have been a place so dark
You couldn't feel the light
Reaching for you through that stormy cloud

Oh why
That's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could have
Said or done?

Oh I
Had no clue you were masking
A troubled soul, God only knows
What went wrong

Life is rich

2011-09-05T22:46:00.000-05:00

I spent the weekend with two kick-ass amazing single mamas, and our seven combined kids. It was completely fabulous.

We had a great time. The kids had a great time. We all had a great time together.

Saturday night we danced in the living room with all the little girls before we went out. Later Saturday night we danced our 40-year-old asses off to an 80's cover band somewhere in Dallas.

We talked about turning 40 (one of us did, on Sunday). We talked about being single moms. We talked about jobs and kids and money and men and dating and sex and our bodies and our insecurities and our strengths. We cooked and we cleaned and we life-guarded and we mediated and we laid in bed and ate cupcakes.

But want to know what we did the most of?

We laughed.

And we laughed.

It was a validating, wonderful, good-for-the-soul, oh-how-I-love-and-value-my-girlfriends weekend.

I got home this afternoon and fell back into my routine. Got the laundry rolling and hit the grocery store. When I came back from the store, there were three magnificent bucks in the yard. Not a great picture, but there are three of them, and they were breathtaking.

I have a thing about bucks. They hold some kind of undefined spiritual significance for me and like to show up in my dreams. I rarely see them at the house.

When I do see a buck in or near the yard, it tends to mean something important is happening in my life. And there were three today. Three strong, powerful, majestic animals. I'm not sure what it means, but I love it. I love it on the tail end of a wonderful weekend where three strong, independent and powerful women got together and encouraged, supported, and validated one another. And laughed.

One night stands

2011-08-28T09:20:00.001-05:00

Yes you are all going to read this one, I know.

Since I've now come out about how I secretly love country music, I will take it a step further. I absolutely LOVE cheesy country music. Now don't confuse this with twangy country because I hate that. If a song has the word "redneck" or "honky tonk" or "hillbilly" I won't listen. Oh but man I love me some Rascal Flatts.

And Kenny Chesney's "You and Tequila"? "It's always your favorite sins...that do you in"? Come on. That's good shit.

What does this have to do with one night stands you ask?

It's the new Lady Antebellum song that I can't stop listening to. "We Owned the Night." I will share the lyrics:

Tell me have you ever wanted
Someone so much it hurts?
Your lips keep trying to speak
But you just can’t find the words
Well I had this dream once;
I held it in my hands

She was the purest beauty
But not the common kind
She had a way about her
That made you feel alive
And for a moment
You made the world stand still
Yeah we owned the night

You had me dim the lights;
You danced just like a child
The wine spilled on your dress
And all you did was smile
Yeah, it was perfect
I hold it in my mind

Yeah, we owned the night

When the summer rolls around
And the sun starts sinking down
I still remember you
Oh, I remember you
And I wonder where you are
Are you looking at those same stars again?

Do you remember when?
We woke under a blanket
All tangled up in skin
Not knowing in that moment
We’d never speak again
But it was perfect;
I never will forget
When we owned the night
Yeah, we owned the night

This song makes me smile. And it makes me remember a really great night. One night stands can actually be good for the soul (yeah I just wrote that) if done right. And rarely. Only when all the stars align perfectly. I think I could write a book about this actually. A "How to" for women, if you will. The woman has to initiate, that's the first part.

Now I'm going to go listen to that song again. And smile.

Car buying. And keeping my shit together.

2011-08-27T21:03:00.000-05:00

So car buying...something I really, really wish I had a dude to help me with. But, I don't. And I feel okay about the deal I got. I think I got a really nice car at a fair price. I think I did sort of okay on my trade. Good enough.
I thought I was going to buy an Infiniti G37. Then I thought I was going to buy an Audi A4 Quattro. I bought a Lexus ES 350.

A couple of years ago I had an ES 300 and I loved it. I remembered that when I drove this one. This car isn't as fun to drive as say, the Infiniti, but I do so much highway driving for my job I think I will really, really enjoy the smooth ride and all the bells and whistles. And it has a lot of bells and whistles. Pretty much all of them. It will take me a while to use them all, I think.

I'm somewhat weary of doing these things by myself. Lately I feel like I have been running at such a fast pace. Work has been extremely stressful, school has started which brings a lot of frenetic activity, and I struggle to find time to catch my breath. I kind of don't catch my breath, which is okay, I can do this forever, but man....I don't want to.

I wish I had someone I could come home to and just let down with for a minute. Or an hour. Or a day. Someone who would do some of these things. Like put together that bookshelf I bought, handle the car negotiating, maybe pick up Sarah at school on that one day I don't have sitter, but do have an out-of-town meeting, so I don't have to drive 90 mph home.

I really want to be able to completely relax, and know someone is in this with me, who will catch the things I miss. Who doesn't expect me to have my shit together all the time. I am so tired of having my shit together.

Thing is, if I did have someone, I would still have my shit together of course. And his too. And I'd like that a lot. I just don't want to have to. I want the option of falling apart occasionally. I'd like to be with someone who wouldn't mind if I fell apart occasionally.

So there you have it. I bought a new car. I've got my shit together. Of course.

Question of the week

2011-08-27T11:43:00.000-05:00

Best question I was asked this week:

"You ever made out with a guy with a flaming mohawk?"

Might have to go on the bucket list.

A day in the life

2011-08-25T18:28:00.000-05:00

A day in the life of a single working mom.

I left the house at 7:00 a.m. to get to a 10:00 meeting out of town. My mom got Sarah to school for me.

Meeting: Trying to save a client. Mission accomplished. Followed by lunch with the management team, which I hadn't planned for. Slightly stressful because I had to pick up Sarah from school today.

After lunch, get in car and drive like a crazy woman through the Texas hill country. Arrive at school right on time.

Sarah in car: Hey mama? My arm is kind of swollen where I got my shots yesterday.

Me: Show me.

She does.

Holy mother of god. I almost had a heart attack. Her arm, where she had gotten some vaccines yesterday, looks like someone has implanted a baseball under her skin. Or, like she's Popeye and has been doing a really excellent job of eating her spinach.

Y'all. It takes a lot to freak me out. I was super freaked. On one hand, I knew it was fine because clearly she was fine, it was a local reaction, etc. BUT STILL.

I said: Okay, well, we're just going to run by your doctor's before we head home.

Call doctor's office on the way. They will have a nurse call me back. We arrive before said call. Nurse: I was just about to call y - OH! - yes let's have the doctor look at that.

Ultimately, it was all fine. Not a normal reaction, but she's fine.

Get her home, she has about five minutes to get ready for dance, get her to dance.

And now I am having a glass of wine and some peanut butter.

In the middle of this day, my very cool editor at Yahoo! Shine features one of my posts over there, and also posts it on her Facebook page with this comment:

This post will probably make you cry, make you take your kid shopping, or make you thank your mama for all those moments she slyly got you to open up. By the talented and delightful Clare on Yahoo! Shine.

Right. Kind of better than sex, really.

She thinks we're just shopping

2011-08-20T20:42:00.001-05:00

There is a country song playing right now, "Just Fishin'" by Trace Adkins. [Sidebar: Y'all, I love country music. I love it, love it, love it. There. I said it.] The song is about a dad taking his young daughter fishing and the conversations that they have and the time that they spend. To her, it's "just fishin'" but to him it's "laughing, crying, smiling, dying here inside is what I call living." The song is a little too twangy for me (despite my love of country) but I love the story it tells.

I kept thinking about that song when I was in Chicago with Sarah last weekend. There is so much going on in her life right now. More than she can really grasp at twelve. Some very difficult things that I wish she weren't having to learn about quite yet. Some very good things too. I could not be more proud of what a beautiful person she is, inside and out, how even-keeled she is, how smart, how funny, how kind, how insightful.

She loved Chicago. We ate pizza. We did the architecture cruise. We shopped and we shopped and we shopped. And we talked.

We talked a lot about the hard things that are happening around her right now. We talked a lot about where she fits into the big picture of this blended family she is a part of, and about family dynamics, and how important it is that she communicate with me, with her dad, with her stepmom.

She was with me in the fitting room when I learned I had been wearing the totally wrong bra size forever and we got a big fit of the giggles over the granny bra they used to determine my size. And we talked.

We waited out an awesome thunderstorm by having lunch at the Ritz...and we talked.

She remembers the giant Forever 21 store, the really beautiful hotel and how nice everyone was. She talks about the creme brulee french toast she had for breakfast both mornings, the funny old lady in the Ralph Lauren store, the hip hop dancer on the corner. She gushed about how great the trip was to her grandparents and showed them every article of clothing she bought.

She thinks I am the coolest mom on the planet for taking her back-to-school shopping in Chicago. But as you all already know, the shopping? Just a cover. An excuse to pull her away for a weekend so we could have the conversations that made me tear up in such great, if sometimes painful ways.

She thinks we had a fabulous shopping trip to Chicago. I think I got to tell her all the things I have felt so compelled to tell her lately, in a setting that was as relaxed and intimate as I could have asked for. We weren't just shopping. I was as laser-focused as I ever am as a parent, taking advantage of some time with her that I know is running out. She really listened, in Chicago. She didn't just hear me. And she engaged with me on some topics that are really, really critical. I know my time is running out for that, good gawd how I know that. It won't be long before she'll hear me just fine...but the listening? Harder when you are hearing all of the other voices you hear at 12-13-14.

We did have a great, great shopping weekend in Chicago. But it was definitely not just shopping.

Me and Men

2011-08-15T07:01:00.001-05:00

This might get long. You've been warned.

I have been thinking a ton about the conversation I blogged about here wherein the confidence and commitment-phobe topics came up. Or rather, during which I was called "super-confident" and a "commitmentphobe."

I think it has taken hold of me because of who I was talking to. Here is a guy that I've spent a little time with socially and a little time with professionally, and someone I really respect in a couple of different ways. Oh and right, I do have a little crush on him too, but honestly that doesn't come into play in this context.

This is not someone who knows all of my stories, or someone I've known a long time. This is a fresh opinion of me and my "issues" with men, from someone I like and respect, even though it really wasn't anything I haven't heard before. But coming from this guy...it got my attention. Et tu, Brute?

I wrote a little post for Yahoo! Shine about the idea that men can't deal with confident women, inspired by that conversation. You can read that here if you'd like. It has generated lots of comments (I'm sure Shine is happy about this; please go comment because I'd like to hit 100 and I'm really close) and I've read them all. Lots of them are mean. Basically say that the "you intimidate men" thing is just a nice way to reject me for a thousand other horrible things (according to a lot of people who don't know me I am really a horrible bitchy over-the-top arrogant control freak, among other things).

[Sidebar: The ugly comments don't bother me. It's just part of the deal.]

That's off the mark. Not that there aren't unattractive things about me, but I've never been rejected by a guy once we got to know each other for being intimidating. That hasn't been the nice way to let me down. No, haven't ever gotten the "I like you but I can't see you anymore because you're scary." I get called this by people trying to look in. Like this guy. He said "You're really smart and you're smokin' hot so I don't understand why you're single." (And yes, yes I have replayed the "smokin' hot" comment in my head too many times.) And then my favorite part: "I'm going to help you." He has told me this at least twice now. Well thank God because someone needs to help me!

One of my friends commented that he thinks it is interesting that this guy even sees a disconnect here. In his mind, since I am confident and successful I clearly should be attached to someone, and there is something wrong and I need help. That's his paradigm, but that may not be part of being successful in my mind. I liked this comment. (Thanks Seth!)

A lot of people commented on Shine that men need to be needed. I don't come across as needing anything when you first meet me, I think. Truth is, I am at least as needy as anyone else, it just takes me a while to show that. I would like nothing more than to have a man in my life that it was okay to need. I think there is something to this. I give off this perception that I don't need a man, and ultimately that is a turn-off for men because men need to feel at least somewhat needed. This makes me think I need to figure out how to let my guard down more quickly.

But it also makes me think about the men I have seriously dated over the past ten years. For the most part it wasn't okay to need anything from them. Especially the most recent one. It was all cool as long as we just watched sports and drank beer. But if I let the softer side of me come out that needed more than that it always ended badly. Always.

So THIS gets me to here: I think the guys that I have ended up with so far are the ones that like the fact that I don't appear needy. They aren't these guys that deep down need to feel needed. (Those guys are probably staying far away because I'm "super-confident.") I come across more like a dude in a girl's body which is perfection to these guys. All the easy stuff and none of the stuff that takes work. And then they feel like it's bait and switch when...oh crap! She is a woman! She wants me to compliment her! She would like for me to put her first before my friends! She'd like me to actually plan an evening sometimes or do something that makes it look like I give a shit! What the hell?! This isn't what I signed up for!

See? I think I'm on to something here. It goes hand-in-hand, the "super-confident" and the "commitmentphobe." I'm a commitmentphobe because I keep dating guys that don't give, and don't make me feel I am important to them, because those are the kinds of guys I attract with this stupid confident persona. Seriously. Other than when Big was trying desperately to win me back (and that is a story for another day) I have never had any romance in my life. No one I have dated has been interested in doing anything for me that makes me feel I am anything special. Why would I want to commit to someone that doesn't seem to really care?

Sometimes, I start to believe that I am not anything special. And then I start to talk myself into settling for one of these guys. I'm so glad I haven't done that. Or that the powers-that-be haven't let that happen because I've tried a time or two.

When I hear stories from my friends about how the guys in their lives have handled conflicts/needs/etc. in sweet, thoughtful ways, it seriously astounds me. I just have no experience with men behaving that way. But I would like to.

I totally get how I come across. Like I said in the Shine post, I've just heard it too many times for it not to be true. It doesn't matter that I don't see myself the way I guess I project myself. But the truth about me is that I am ridiculously, almost embarrassingly, soft underneath this image I am unintentionally presenting.

So...that's my theory, and I have to tip my hat to my old therapist who told me years ago I was attracting the wrong kind of guy. Okay Victor, I finally get it and accept it, I just really had to come to it on my own. Problem is, I don't know how to "adjust my radar" like he suggested. I guess that is the next thing to think through.

Double D

2011-08-13T21:55:00.000-05:00

I'm going to write about my boobs. This will likely make my blog traffic skyrocket for all the wrong reasons but I'm going to do it anyway.

I've always had a good relationship with my boobs. They showed up kind of out of nowhere when I was about fourteen. I didn't expect them...they certainly didn't come from my maternal line...and I think for a long time I just kind of tried to hide them because I was self-conscious, but I still appreciated them.

Sarah pretty much sucked the life right out of them as a newborn but even now, lifeless, I appreciate them. Yeah, I need ropes and pulleys to restore them to their former glory, but it can be done.

But let's talk about bra size. I have been wearing a 36A from Victoria's Secret forever. Comfortable. Look good. I swear it fits. But anyone who has spent time with me at all and knows I wear that size? Protests. And people with more intimate knowledge of them? Definitely protest.

It has kind of become a game. Sometimes, after lots of cocktails, among friends, the bra may come off as proof that yes, I am actually wearing an A-cup. See? One of those is mine. The A-cup. And no you can't tell which one. In a move of solidarity all the women I was with that night removed their bras.

Alright so I'm in Chicago, shopping like crazy with Sarah, and decide to get fitted, for a bra, at Nordstrom's. And guess what?

I'm not an A. No. Not an A.

I'M A FREAKING DOUBLE MOTHER F'ING D.

I mean really? The girls are double d's? DOUBLE D'S???

I bought three new bras. I just went straight D, not DD. I talked the salesperson into a D because seriously, I cannot be a DD.

So, as Sarah is in heaven with all of her new stuff...I am trying to deal with this life altering idea that I'm a D-cup. I mean, forget about a B, Or C. No, we went from A...to D.

I have to admit the new bras fit great.

And I suppose I have an all new respect for my boobs. I always kind of loved them for being awesome A-cups. But now I know I've been underestimating them all of these years. At least I've rewarded them with three fantastic new bras.

D. Seriously?

But then it got me thinking. I've been wearing the wrong freaking size for years.

I don't think I even have to elaborate on that idea and how it relates to various other areas of my life.

Is there some life-fitter out there somewhere?

The other side

2011-08-08T22:20:00.000-05:00

Alright so, I think I can get behind this not shutting out unpleasant feelings thing I've been experimenting with. As far as the annoying woundedness that was happening? It's gone. I swear. I mean, it's okay if it maybe relapses at some point but for now? Holy crap. I'm over it.

I definitely thought this would take longer, considering a relationship that was on-again-off-again for four years (I have issues) is permanently off. But I think sitting still with the hurt, and thinking through things in that context, just made the whole situation clear and easy. And surprisingly...not painful. And I don't mean that in a snarky way or anything. It's not a - good riddance feeling, it's a - Oh. Well, yes of course. That really did need to end - feeling. This is the right thing to have happened even if it did hurt a little.

What a freaking relief. To feel this good and to know I can learn new things at thirty-nine.

I've had a lot of awesome dude friends around lately which helps too. A couple that are super solid good friends and a couple that are love interests (or something. Guys I flirt with excessively, whatever you call those), and the attention from both groups has been quite helpful. Can't lie. I am a total attention, err, glutton (I'll say glutton. Sounds better than what I say when speaking.) And I've gotten just enough love these past two weeks.

Heading to Chicago with Sarah on Friday for a mama-daughter shopping trip. OhmygoshIamreallysoexcitedforthistrip. Chicago is my favorite big city and I can't wait for Sarah to see it. And I am jonesing for some one-on-one time with her. The beach was awesome but we had people with us the entire time. This is the first time she and I have taken off for a weekend, just the two of us, in a long time. We're eating pizza Friday night, doing a cruise/tour Saturday morning, and shopping the rest of the time. I don't even like to shop. And I know I will spend HOURS in Forever 21. But my girl will be heaven.

Pizza

2011-08-06T09:25:00.000-05:00

Last night it was me, the dog, the laptop, and a PIZZA.

I've been wanting to lose, you know, the 5 - 10 lbs, for awhile now, and I've been kind of focused and disciplined (and slightly obsessed) about it, and making some progress, albeit slow.

Well, I've learned some things this week. And I ordered a pizza last night, ate a ton of it, and enjoyed it.

I'm not going to do that every night, but I'm going to do it when I feel like it. And I'm not getting on the scale any time soon. And I am appreciating this fabulous, strong, healthy, sexy (yes, sexy, dammit) body that I have.

I am also appreciating the good people in my life. I've leaned a little bit on a lot of them this week. And they have all been rock solid, of course. Including some people I only know out here. Still wish I had someone beside me, but piecing it together is working for me. I've felt quite cared for this week. It's nice.

Been thinking about what I want in a relationship...maybe because for the first time in a very long time besides a few weeks here and there, I'm truly single. I want a partner. I don't necessarily want a husband...I don't really feel any pull to get married, I'm not going to have more children, etc. I just want someone to have my back, and I want to have his back. When I was being interrogated about my love life the other night one of the questions was what am I looking for in a man, and that is an easy one for me. Smarter than me, confident, and knows how to treat a woman. I just added that third part, because that's the part I keep not getting. And "smarter than me" isn't anything I can really measure, it's more a respect thing. Maybe instead of "smarter than me" I should say - I have to respect his intelligence. That's closer to it. We'll see. My own personal horoscope writer (just a sweet friend, really) has predicted I will meet someone in the fall who will turn everything upside down for me. I like the idea of that.

Run

2011-08-04T19:27:00.001-05:00

God I love the Matt Nathanson song "Run." It's so...intimate. I love it.

I keep looking at a picture from the beach. It is me and two beautiful little girls.

I hate how I look in my bikini. One little girl is too thin, and is kind of hiding behind my little girl. My little girl is standing in the picture happy, confident. She is leaning back a little, almost pooching out her adorable little tummy. She doesn't have a care in the world. She is completely comfortable with her body; completely comfortable in her own skin.

I was too at twelve. I was oblivious. So what happened between 12 and 39 that I am so critical of my incredibly strong, incredibly healthy body? Why am I constantly wanting to lose 5 - 10 lbs? Why can't I accept this great body I have, plus or minus 10 lbs? Why am I so compelled to be thinner, always? Why, at freaking 39 years old do I think I need to look great in a bikini? What the hell is wrong with me?

What happened at 13 for the other little girl in the picture that she is already struggling?

And how, how do I make sure Sarah always feels the way she does today about her body? How do I do that when I can't do it for myself? How can I steer her down a path unlike mine, that ended up way too worried about approval from others?

I am so, so almost painfully grateful for where she is right now as far as her self-esteem and her relationship with her body. And I am so frightened it will change. I want her to always be like this. I want her to be better than me. I want her to love herself more, and as it relates to men, know that whoever loves her, is going to love her plus or minus 10 lbs. I want her to have more confidence than I do. And I think she will. I really do.

Sitting still

2011-08-03T22:36:00.000-05:00

I'm trying really hard to sit still with the pain right now. I've got this habit of totally avoiding all feelings that don't make me happy, and I am a master at it. I just refuse to feel things that hurt.

I've got various strategies for avoiding pain, and they all work. But this flies in the face of my - living is the highs AND the lows - idea. And I know I am missing something when I flee the pain. So, I'm trying to live through it right now. It comes in waves, and I'm just letting them roll on in.

I'm feeling pain on two fronts. One I can't talk about here and it is f'ing searing pain. That one I actually could not avoid even if I tried to. That one baffles me and leaves me lost. I feel helpless. I want to do something, fix something, and I can't. I just can't. I can't fix it even though it is so imperative that it be fixed. I am helpless.

The other I could absolutely avoid because it's trivial but I think to move on with my life cleanly I need to let it sting like it is stinging. It stings just like a wasp. The kind of pain that hurts a little, but more than anything just pisses me off. Did that f'ing wasp really have to land on my heart and do that right now? I don't even understand why this thing stings at all. Again, it mostly just makes me mad. But under the mad I'm wounded and for once I'm just going to feel wounded. Even though it pisses me off. Wounded. Pissed. Wounded. Ugh I hate being wounded.

What I miss

2011-08-02T19:48:00.000-05:00

I don't really miss my ex (and by ex I mean ex-boyfriend, to be clear) in general, but know what I do miss? Talking to him.

God I have so much going on in my life right now I just want to debrief with someone and he knew all of my shit. I want to talk about work. I need to talk about kids. I want to talk about cars. I want to talk money and budgets (I'm trying to budget. It's comical, really.).

I do love the idea of a partnership and I am in desperate need of a partner right now. It's just almost too much for me to hold by myself at this moment in life. There are things happening - really good things, heartbreakingly painful things, mundane things, Things. I'm wrestling with things right now. It would be nice to have someone in the fight with me.

One Week

2011-07-28T23:02:00.001-05:00

A lot of shit happens in my life in a week.

A week ago I was having dinner with clients in Nashville. I was wearing a dress that I love that probably shows a little too much leg for a client dinner, but honestly? I really like my legs. And no one complained. It was a great night.

Followed by a spectacular Friday that did all kinds of good for me in all kinds of ways. I felt very validated in all of the ways I really like to be validated. Sometimes...things happen the way I want them too. Friday night is getting bottled up with a couple of other great evenings/times I've had. I like to keep that stuff around. Take off the top, breathe deeply, and smile when I need to.

Tuesday I met a friend out for a drink and saw my ex...with another girl. On one hand, I was surprisingly unaffected by it. She didn't stand out to me; that's probably why. Shallow? Sure. I confirmed that said ex is actually seeing this girl, which made me realize that it clearly wasn't a brand new thing...which meant that while he was making me feel badly about the fact that he snooped through my email and saw things he didn't like and told me he didn't feel he could trust me? He was really just kind of projecting. But I don't care that he was seeing her. We were not together. What was that movie I saw tonight? Oh right, "Friends With Benefits." I don't even care that he snooped, although that says something about him.

So, I know none of you who know me will believe me? But I'm out. Done with that. I will now listen to all of you, who, without exception, said - No - about him. Y'all do know I haven't said that before, right? I'm done. That is over. You are now allowed to hold me to that and give me significant crap if I ever go back there. He's all pissed at me right now and the fact the he is pissed at ME is the final nail in the coffin. He has no idea how to treat women or be in a relationship. Not a clue. That girl is totally welcome to that. All of it.

God it feels surprisingly good to actually drop stuff off at Goodwill. Y'all have been trying to tell me that for years, I know. I'm a little slow sometimes.

Alright, so there was a little negative emotion there. So this morning, I made amends with another guy from my past (no not Big) that I felt I owed an apology. He was very gracious and forgiving, and that was nice. A little positive energy to offset the blech related to the ex.

Been enjoying the h-e-ll out of my beautiful daughter. So yeah, she's a teenager for all practical purposes, but she is pretty cool to hang out with. The time we have had together since she got home from camp has been kind of unbelievably wonderful. I hope we sail through this next year like this. But if we don't, I'm cool. I'm ready. We had a wonderful Monday Night Sushi reunion, on Tuesday. With her new dance schedule it looks like it's Tuesday Night Sushi this year, which is actually how it started.

So, here we are to Thursday night again. I saw a movie with a girlfriend tonight. I have a very low-key weekend planned. And I am very, very single.

The conversation Friday night about my love life...about three minutes in I said, "And umm, why are you asking me all of these questions?" He says, "I'm trying to help you." Which of course cracked me up. I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Do I look like I need any help?" It's okay for me to be happy like this, right? That's a dumb question. The fact that I am happy answers it.

I occasionally run into people that I would jump right off the cliff for without ever looking down. I mean okay, I don't ever jump...I either invent reasons that it can't happen, or there are reasons it can't happen, but in theory...I'm going to really jump some day. But I'm just not taking a big dive until everything is perfectly aligned. I don't know if that will happen, how it will happen, who it will happen with, but I don't need any help, thank you very much. Single doesn't equal broken, or lonely, or unfulfilled in my world.

And, I'm going to buy a car. Maybe this weekend but I'll probably wait until the end of August. I've decided I need a nicer car.

So there is it. The week.

Profundity

2011-07-24T19:57:00.000-05:00

I just sent this email to a friend and I thought I would share. Sometimes I just write shit and I have no idea where it comes from and it makes me laugh a little.

Life is like a succession of stepping stones. One always appears for me when I get stuck. I have no idea when the next one will show up but I'm really happy where I am standing right now.

Jesus that was profound.

Commitmentphobe?

2011-07-23T11:46:00.001-05:00

I am in Nashville for work at the moment and went out last night with someone from my company, who immediately put me through a very thorough interrogation regarding my love life. This actually happens to me on a regular basis. He, like many before him, was trying to figure out why I am single. For some reason people - okay, men - are always very interested in my personal life.

So, he interrogates me and quickly comes to his conclusions.

1. Most men can't deal with super confident women, and I am a super confident woman.

If I had a dime for every time I have heard that one, I wouldn't have been having dinner with him because I wouldn't be working. I guess at this point I have to accept that that is the truth because I have just heard it too many times. What gives, guys? What is that all about?

2. I am a commitmentphobe.

Now this was interesting because no one has ever said that to me before and it caught me a little off guard. I immediately disagreed with that assessment but then I kind of had to look at it from his perspective and it's possible he's right.

I do tend to be attracted to men I know I can't have for one reason or another, my dinner partner last night is a great example of that, actually. I've never looked at that through the - maybe I'm a commitmentphobe - lens before.

I've been thinking lately that I have a lot of my self identity tied up in being single. I like being the single girl. I like having the freedom to flirt. Sometimes I think it makes me a little more interesting that I'm single. Maybe this makes me a commitmentphobe. But at the same time, as I've said many times, I love the idea of love. I would love to fall in love with someone that I have crazy fun with...then I don't think I would miss the single life. I do believe that. I believe that if I were with the right person I would be happy to commit.

The conversation last night definitely got me thinking, anyway, and that's not a bad thing.

What a freaking week

2011-07-15T17:03:00.001-05:00

I spent last weekend supporting a fabulous person who is fighting breast cancer with every ounce of strength she's got. She has three children, the oldest of whom is less than a year younger than Sarah. She has a husband who adores her and vice versa. Sometimes, my neat little way of looking at life doesn't work. This is one of those times. I hate that this is happening. There is NO GOOD that comes from this. None. I can't even pray about it because I just yell at God. I do think He gets it, and gets what I am trying to say.

That fun summer romance I've written a lot about this summer? Up in flames. That happened about a week ago and in some ways I am totally over it. I really hope I stay totally over it. Why, why...do I sometimes keep guys around who really make me feel terrible about myself? What is that all about? I know he reads my blog even though when asked, he denies that he does. He reads it for the same reason he waits for the opportunity to grab my phone and dig around in my email and texts without my permission instead of just asking me what else might be going on in my life.

And Internet, if you are not in a relationship, but you just spend time with someone...are you supposed to be exclusive anyway? If someone does not want to commit to me, I am going to continue my fun, flirty way of being. And I would expect the other person to be the same way, which, in this case, was true.

I don't get it. But I am ready to go back to dating older dudes. No one under forty, please. Preferably over 45. And actually, I don't want to date anyone right now, but I am in the mood to have a lot of meaningless fun. That's allowed at 39, right?

I am on Day 5 at the beach and have had a wonderful week. I have had several friends come stay for a night or two or three. There has been laughing, and cooking, and playing in the ocean, and playing cards. I brought my dog and watching her completely freak out on the beach has been a highlight. And it has been ALL GIRLS. Even my friends who brought their kids, have girls. Even my dog is a girl. I've loved every minute and have been reminded that I really don't need a man for anything. I rented the house. I got Sarah, the dog, and a shit-ton of stuff here just fine. I grabbed Hannah at the airport on Wednesday. I hosted thirty more mamas and daughters today - Sarah's dance team came over for some beach time before their competition tomorrow. It has been a really, really great week, and I feel lucky and blessed.

So, that's the recap. A lot has been going on. A lot I could write about in depth but I'm just not feeling it. The thing with my friend is too much to write about. The thing with the dude is too annoying with a side of painful. This beach time I'm not really sure how to capture but it's great. Had a big win at work this week that will pretty much make my year. I'm good. Life just keeps moving forward and I'm ebbing and flowing like I always do. Lots of good and a decent bit of bad. But I've always said I'll take the highs and the lows because that is what it's all about.

Sometimes you win one

2011-07-04T13:45:00.000-05:00

Y'all know I love shoes. And jeans. Especially platform heels and especially jeans that make my backside look fabulous.

But there are times when comfort has to win out. VERY FEW TIMES, but times.

Closing ceremonies at Sarah's camp are one of those times. It's hot. I'm out in the hill country. I'm schlepping things back and forth, and back and forth (and back and forth) to and from the car.

I cannot do tennis shoes. That I can't do. Tennis shoes, when not paired with gym clothes, to me scream out "FRUMPY MOM!!!"

And I can't really do flip flops, even cute ones. My feet need a bit more support than that during the closing weekend at camp.

So, I decided on my Chacos. They aren't pretty - see above. But they are comfortable, and cool, and sturdy. I was pretty sure Sarah was going to be completely horrified and embarrassed by my footwear but it was the only thing that made sense and I was ready to take the heat for it.

I'm not with her five minutes on Friday when her counselor says to me "Oh I love your Chacos! Those are so cool" and Sarah says "Yeah, cool. All of the counselors wear Chacos."

Seriously? These shoes are circa 2008. Which is why the counselor thought they were cool - she hadn't seen any like that.

Every now and then? You win one with your peer-conscious teen daughter.

Wednesday

2011-06-29T22:18:00.000-05:00

Coming at you from a hotel in Houston, as I have many times before. Back on the road. I took a pretty nice break from travel but I'm back at it now.

This trip has been more tiring than usual because every minute I'm not with clients I'm in my room on my laptop trying to get things done. But, I'm home tomorrow afternoon and even better? I get to see Sarah on Friday.

I've missed her more this year than maybe any other. This is her third year to go long session (a month at camp) but I think it's the first year I've actually shed tears a couple of times midstream from missing her. The reason, I think, is that she's twelve. I feel a greater need to be connected to her because I am worried about her. I want to be close, I want to hold her hand through every moment of the next several years. I can't. Even if I could, she wouldn't let me. I know all that, but everything is intensified...I guess because everything is intensified for her.

But I get to see her on Friday and have that moment and there is nothing, nothing, nothing in the world better. Nothing. Not romantic love, not beautiful jewelry, not a fabulous bottle of wine, not a great time with my friends. That moment, when I see her face, and hug and kiss her, after a month, is the sweetest thing I've ever experienced in my lifetime.

I am focusing on that and not the fact that I am having kind of a full-on crisis about camp closing weekend. I can't wait to see her but I am dreading the closing weekend and wishing desperately I had someone to go with me. But I don't. I don't have that. I'll go alone. I'll literally be the only one there that is alone. I don't have a peer group there. When she is doing her thing, I'll be kicking around by myself trying desperately to not feel crazily insecure but I won't be successful at that. This is my third year. I know how it goes.

Nothing else in my life makes me feel this way and for some reason this year it's worse than usual. But, it's my life. There isn't anyone in my life that would come with me just because I need someone to. I have a lot of great things, but I just don't have that. Ultimately, it's just me, and I don't know that it will ever be different. I don't often really need people. I do, this weekend, but I'm pretty much shit out of luck on this one. I'll be fine, of course. What's the alternative?

Alright, end of pity party. I kind of needed to whine about that because it has been a low level of stress in my life for the past month and for some reason I always feel better when I expose things that are stressing me out. So there you have it, Internet. Thanks for listening. Now I'm going to try and let it go.

Looking at 40

2011-06-26T11:20:00.001-05:00

As you know, Internet, I've been very contemplative about turning forty in January. It just feels big. Not bad, but momentous. I'm halfway through my 39th year now. It's getting closer.

I remember very clearly turning thirty. I was with Big, in Marina del Rey. My divorce was finalized when I was 29, so heading into my thirties felt momentous as well. It was a brand new chapter in my life. Sarah was two. I was really skinny. I was working at the bank where I had been for two years.

I don't know where I will be yet, or who I will be with, when I turn forty, but I hope a ton of friends. I feel like I am leaving Big in my thirties like I left my ex-husband in my twenties. Not so concerned about being with a significant other, ten years later. I love intimacy and affection and love as much as the next girl, but rolling into my forties I know friendship trumps those things. Sarah is twelve. I'm not really skinny; I look like a healthy forty-year-old and like a healthy forty-year-old, I struggle to keep weight off my middle. There was no struggling with that at thirty. I am in a new career that I really love, and I've been with my company for two years.

This year, thirty-nine...wow. I have had more fun adventures than any other year of my life and I just love that this is how I am closing out this decade of my life. Ever-so-much more fun than my twenty-ninth year.

It started with my chasing a high that I had not felt in a long time. It was a total rush, and man it was fun...for awhile. It didn't end well and I ended up hurting two people I love a lot because of it. In very different ways but both related to that rush. I left one behind to chase it and I behaved horribly when reeling from the disappointment when it fell apart and hurt someone else. I certainly learned a lesson, and learned that even at thirty-nine...I can behave like an emotional, selfish and unfocused teenager if I'm not careful.

Then there was Puerto Rico. And a fun business trip to Vegas. And Sonoma...which actually rivals Puerto Rico for fun. Sarah and I are spending a week at the beach for a dance competition in a few weeks, and then in August I am taking her to Chicago for a back-to-school shopping trip on the Magnificent Mile. And who knows what else will come up.

I've really gelled an awesome group of girlfriends here in Austin that I spend lots of time with and it doesn't seem possible for us not to have a good time when we are together. I'm more introspective about romantic relationships and trying to be a little more circumspect about what I want from a man and a relationship. I think I want less now, and I think that is good, and necessary. And realistic. And not coming from a jaded place either. More like - when the shit comes down, who do I want in the foxhole with me?

Life will unfold as it should, and I'm enjoying the ride into my forties.

Summer romance

2011-06-18T23:03:00.000-05:00

I've been spending a lot of time lately with someone I really like and no he's not my boyfriend and no we aren't together and yes you know who I'm talking about and no it's not Big. All clear?

We've gotten into this habit at night, after we've been out and about, where he grabs his guitar and plays, well, and I sing, badly. He tolerates my singing badly to his good guitar playing and it has become one of my favorite parts of the day.

Last night he says to me something like "I heard a song, and it made me think of you, so I learned how to play it." And grabs his guitar and starts playing the song. That he learned. For me. Because he thought of me when he heard it.

Swoon, right?

The song? Well, it was perfect. I'm just going to let you hear it yourself.

The kid at camp

2011-06-18T09:23:00.000-05:00

I don't think I've mentioned that the dog died. The dog mentioned in this post here. She failed super fast and we put her down on Monday. I've never been less emotional about the loss of a pet, honestly. She wasn't my favorite. It was sad to see her suffer a little, but she did not suffer long. She lived a very (too?) long, good life. I actually didn't shed a tear. Sorry, but she bit my kid in the face. Twice.

But...Sarah...how to tell her. I am not telling her in a letter while she's at camp. But she is aware the dog may not be here when she comes home, and she'll ask me as soon as she sees me, and I am the absolute worst liar in the world, so I'll tell her then I guess, which makes me mad at the dead dog because telling her is going to mar our reunion happiness.

That said, I think in some ways this will be easier for her. To come home and just not have old Scout here, rather than seeing her at the end, when she quit eating and therefore quit enjoying her dog life.

I've gotten lots of great letters from Sarah. The one I got today ended like this: "I love you more than you know!"

More than I know?! How is that possible? That makes me break out into a big smile at the end of this shitty week. That wipes out the frustration at work and the medical crap I had to deal with. She loves me more than I know.

And she loves her dad. It's hard to see but her little sign says "Happy Birthday Daddy."

In her last letter to me, she mentioned she was sad because she had only heard from him once. These kinds of situations are a little tricky. I know her, and I know she would downright beg me not to tell him that. But...she told me that for a reason. I have thought about this a lot and I am going to respect what I know are her wishes and not say anything to him.

I did my normal "I know and you know your dad loves you to pieces. Writing just isn't really his strong suit I guess." And then I encouraged her to talk to him about it when she gets home, and let him know she wanted to hear from him more.

When she was younger, I could always protect him from her disappointment. I can't do that anymore. We will both disappoint her sometimes, and she is old enough to see through any excuses we might make for one another. I don't know why her dad isn't writing to her and if I were to broach the subject with him, I doubt it would go well because there isn't any excuse he could give me that would hold an ounce of water. I try to remain really rational and objective but when your kiddo is a little heartbroken...not possible. Another reason to respect her wishes and not mention it.

I don't think it's all bad that she address this with him. I am the world's worst at asking for what I need, and I don't want her to be like me in that regard.

Love, Laughter, and Being a Bridesmaid

2011-06-13T19:44:00.000-05:00

I am just back from a really amazing couple of days in Sonoma, where I was for a sweet friend's wedding. I've got enough material for blog posts for the rest of my life, I think, and I'm dying to write about a lot of it but gonna start here.

Best part: My friend Melissa is incredibly happy. She was happy enough to be marrying Matt, but she also planned and executed the most beautiful and most fun wedding I've ever been to. Kind of the icing on the cake, right? Marry the man you love AND throw an amazing party? Oh, and I should add? She did her bridesmaids right. I loved my dress and felt completely fabulous in it. Once I got in it. Which was difficult. But no matter. Fabulous. See? It makes me look way skinnier than I actually am. Score!

So that's the Love part. My friend Melissa and her husband Matt really, truly, deep down, Love. That's what a wedding is all about, right?

Second best part: I laughed my ass off every day I was there. That belly laugh that you can't stop. You know, it starts to get embarrassing because everyone else is done laughing but you just can't get a hold of yourself? I did that every day, for five days. I don't think there is anything, in the world, better for the soul than that. And I think it's somehow related to the aforementioned Love thing. It was a happy event and a happy time so laughter came easily. Plus I just truly adored the other girls who were bridesmaiding with me, and the friend I traveled with, and they were all making me laugh pretty much constantly.

So, you'd think, with all this romantic love and this really great wedding, that perhaps it might make me want to settle down with someone. Yeah...no. It was kind of funny. I think I really dig being a bridesmaid. I came away from the weekend thinking...Ya know? I can really get behind that "always a bridesmaid never a bride" thing. Except of course, I've been a bride. But not in a very long time.

I really do like my freedom. I really loved not having a date. I kept calling my friend Holly (and Holly, if you're reading this, I'm spelling your name wrong on purpose) my date (I actually kept calling her my girlfriend because I thought it was funny) and I really cannot imagine a scenario where I would have had more fun with a male date.

This isn't to say I'm changing my stance completely. I would still eventually like be with someone and have that Love thing that I saw this weekend. But I'm not going to worry too much about it unless I trip over the right guy. And the right guy is definitely going to have to be okay with my spending lots of time with my girlfriends, and maybe being ever-so-slightly flirtatious. From time to time. Because it's really fun.

Okay, that's barely scraping the surface of the whole experience, but at least I got a little bit out of my head. Next maybe I'll write about how the date of the one single groomsman really did not like me.

P.S. That last post I wrote? About Big? Was written after a BUNCH of wine. I almost deleted it, but then a friend encouraged me to let my freak flag fly. Not like I don't do that all the time here anyway. I'll write more about all that at some point, sober.

Big evening

2011-06-02T23:56:00.000-05:00

I think there will be more about this later maybe but...

I saw Big tonight.

I knew it could happen tonight because of where I was, and when, but I did not plan it. It was just what happened. And when I got there, I strategically placed myself with my back to where I thought he could be...just in case...but then he walked by me on my right, and I recognized his backside immediately, and when he came back, well, he came back on my left. Facing me.

So, I was looking right at him, and he didn't see me for a second and then he did. And he didn't pause, he just kind of gave me a nice look and punched me in the arm. I took it as a "Hey cutie," said in a kind of sad, resigned way. He always called me cutie and I really miss hearing that. Like you can't even believe, how much I miss that.

What does it mean?

It means he is trying, perhaps, and hopefully successfully, to put me in his past. Which I want him to, I really want him to, but tonight it's killing me in a way I did not expect. If I could make it happen I would. I would, I would, I would. But I can't.

I really loved him. Really, really loved him. He was a great love, for sure.

Breakpoint

2011-06-01T22:32:00.001-05:00

Photo by Christian Meyn

I feel like writing tonight and I can't decide if it's gonna be - today I felt like my foul-mouthed, continually pissed-off cat (yes cats can have a foul mouth and be pissed off, which I would explain), or, holy crap I'm not ready to deal with puberty. Or, the old dog that I've been wishing would die is majorly on decline and suddenly I feel a bit of a fondness towards it. But only a bit. And none of these things are in any way related.

I've got to go with the parenting thing because holy mother of GOD.

I'm not at liberty to divulge all of the details surrounding the intense twelve-year-old awkwardness I dealt with today, and no, it's not what you think. But I will say that I just felt for my child in such a sincere way and so wished, for a minute, that I actually could fast forward for her. I was empathetic to a gut wrenching degree. I remembered it all. I remembered feeling that. And it took everything I had not to cry for her even though nothing emotionally or physically painful was really happening. It was truly just empathy.

I used to write so much about how tweens have one foot in childhood and one foot out. Well, twelve is the breakpoint I think. She still wants to have a foot in childhood, but forces outside her control don't allow it. Her body won't let her be there anymore, her peers won't let her be there anymore, even her own mind is rebelling against it.

I've accomplished something that was very, very important to me as a mama. She has not grown up too fast. She has lived and loved every moment of her childhood. Which is why it is hard for her leave it and why it's hard for me to watch her do so. But leave it she must. At twelve, she knows it, and I know it.

But it totally sucks.

I had one of those moments today...in the rush of everything else. Work is stressing me out, school is ending, camp is upon us and we're not ready, but today it all came to a screeching halt and I was incredibly present in the incredibly awkward and painful hour or two that we spent. And I remembered that this is what life is, and I loved it a little bit. I loved the awkward and I loved the pain.

I loved that no matter how hard today was, or how lost I feel sometimes as a mother, or how much I annoyed the living hell out of her today, I know it's all good. I know she might roll her eyes at me, and use that tone of voice with me and storm away from me sometimes, but I know it's so very good between us. I can take all of that because I know it is what she has to do to keep growing up...and I think she kind of secretly knows this too and doesn't mean any of it.

We finished up sixth grade today and it was monumental. This year has been like none other. She leaves for camp on Friday for a month, and I know like I know anything, that when she leaves, her childhood is leaving with her. I know when I pick her up in a month, I am picking up a young woman. I know it. And I have no choice but to accept that and be ready for it, so I am. I guess. Kind of. Okay I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm honestly a little terrified but I'm sure she and I will figure it out somehow. Amen.

A little rant

2011-05-30T10:37:00.001-05:00

Master isolated images

It annoys the holy hell out of me, how hard it is to find yogurt at H.E.B. that is not low-fat or fat-free. I do not believe in low-fat shit. We drink whole milk at this house. I want butter. And coconut oil. I want regular yogurt, fat and all. H.E.B. actually stopped carrying the the whole milk yogurt I like to buy.

Fat is not the problem in our diets. It's just not. I understand they are still teaching the food pyramid in school because Sarah sits in class frustrated by it. Saturated fat is not all evil. There is so much research, so much evidence that refutes the low-fat diet, but just think about it. About the time the low-fat craze started happening, our obesity problem exploded. Take fat out of the diet and it will be replaced with something, in this case way too many carbs (I am pointing my finger at bread, pasta, rice, potatoes, fat-free chips and cookies, etc.) and too much sugar. That is a really fabulous way to eat if you're trying to get fat. And a fabulous way to never really be satisfied with what you are eating. It is hard to change your thinking about food when we've been preached at about a low-fat diet for so many years, but we need to. Here's a good post about it if you're interested: The Big Lie

I'm not all skinny, but it's not because of the fat in my diet, it's because of the tortilla chips and beer. Those bad carbs I was pointing at earlier. But then again, I don't want to be "all skinny" - I want to be ripped and lean. Also, I'm not opposed to carbs. I just want to get them from vegetables mostly, and maybe some whole grains sometimes.

Next. Lift weights. Do cardio if you enjoy it, but ultimately, building lean muscle mass is infinitely more beneficial to your health. I have about 5 extra lbs on me right now but my arms and legs are sculpted. (Just please ignore my middle-aged middle, where all the beer and tortilla chips hang out). Do you want to be thin or do you want to be lean? Big difference. I'd like to be lean but back to the tortilla chips and beer...apparently I want those things more.

So, I have friends that I know don't believe me on this. Maybe I should actually stop eating tortilla chips and drinking beer, and and just stay on my healthy diet which includes whole milk, whole yogurt, lots of red meat (and not necessarily lean red meat), avocadoes, walnuts, and all kinds of other fabulous foods chock full of fat just to prove my point.

And here's something else. I don't slather Sarah in sunscreen. God I know, call CPS. She is under strict orders to never, ever burn, and to wear sunscreen on her face every day, but other than that? I think a little sun is good for us. And I have read a shit-ton on that subject as well. Yes, sun ages your skin, and like fats, too much is bad. But too little is equally as bad. Go read up on the vitamin D deficiency you likely have. I got interested in this subject after a routine blood test showed I was CRAZY deficient in vitamin D in my system, and I'm blonde, live in Texas, and have never been great about sunscreen! Vitamin D is a bit of a miracle drug. It protects you from many, many illnesses. Stay out of the sun if you insist, but take a supplement. This is the first year in ages I didn't get a single cold, sinus infection, flu - anything, and I credit getting my levels of D back up for that.

Yeah okay, I feel better.

Eat some fat, get some sun...sounds pretty good, eh?

NYT: Liking Is for Cowards. Go for What Hurts.

2011-05-29T23:32:00.001-05:00

Liking Is for Cowards. Go for What Hurts.

This is an excellent article. And quite convicting for me in a great way.

I'm going to read it about ten more times and then maybe really comment.

And then take some time off of Facebook.

Simplicity

2011-05-29T22:14:00.002-05:00

I've had great time with Sarah this weekend, and great time with friends this weekend...and yes that sounds familiar, I know. And today I've kind of worked all day - getting Sarah ready for camp, grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, running errands, working on a budget (I know. Weird.).

I know this is getting boring, this topic, but I guess I'm just really learning how deeply happy the simple things make me. Tonight, Sarah is out running with her friends. She'll be home late. I'm writing her name in her camp clothes, listening to Sam & Ruby, drinking a really fantastic bottle of wine, doing a little cooking for the week (although Sarah ate half of what I cooked already...which also makes me happy), doing laundry, all of that, all at once, and I really don't want to be anywhere else. This is what I like. This is how I like to be. It makes me remember arguments with my ex-husband, who didn't understand that I didn't need things to be happening; I didn't need to be going, to be happy. This was a source of tension between us. He did not get it.

I can go out, stay out all night, have a great time. I can make things I want to happen, happen. Without fail if I really put my mind to it. I can be that girl...or I can be this girl. I think I really am this girl. And I would love to find that guy. I want to be that house. Where the door is always open.

Love

2011-05-25T22:59:00.001-05:00

I'm having one of those moments where I'm in love. With all kinds of things, and feelings, and people, and moments. First and foremost, with that one over there. ---->

She got glasses today. She got a blend of my bad vision and her dad's. Which is WAY better than my bad vision, so, I'll take it. And...I'll pay for lasik later on in her life. Happily.

And a boy that I love, who Sarah adores, had this to say about that picture. "Nobody makes braces and glasses look cuter than that... Even with that hesitant smile."

Followed by "She really is special. You have raised a great one."

Right. That leaves me speechless.

And I'm in love with music.

It's the fallin'
The flyin'
The losin'
The tryin'
It's that crazy little thing that we call love
And when it comes to you
If i had to tell the truth
'bout the mixed up thoughts my mind's been thinking of

It's like the sunshine
It's like the rain
You bring me pleasure
and you bring me pain

All of the above fits every kind of love I know.

Ain't love somethin'?

2011-05-23T22:56:00.004-05:00

I love Sam & Ruby. Please listen and then go buy all of their music.

Ain't love somethin'?

Sam & Ruby - Ain't Love Somethin' (Official Music Video). Watch more top selected videos about: Sam & Ruby
Oh, and somethin' else I love?

What it's all about

2011-05-22T22:31:00.000-05:00

Photo by Carlos Porto

As far as weekends go...other than the fact I spent way too much money? This one was close to perfect.

Friday night I was invited to a graduation celebration dinner at Second Bar + Kitchen. My good friend Liz's (such a good friend that she actually comments on my posts here so I don't feel like I'm just talking to myself all the time) husband was awarded his MBA from UT...and I totally understand the pain and suffering that goes along with that so I was thrilled to celebrate with them. It was Liz and her hubs, two other couples that I had not met before, and me. We had such a great time. Great food, great company, fabulously fun night. Really even more fun because I got to meet new, interesting people.

And the rest of the weekend was spent with Sarah. Lots of shopping (hence the spending too much money), and talking, and hanging out, and sweetness. It was really some of the best time we've spent together in awhile. I am being edged out by her friends, and I'm okay with that, but it makes weekends like this one all the sweeter. Not a hint of the preteen sullenness that shows up from time to time now. Not even tonight, as she was putting away a tremendous amount of laundry. All sunshine and positive energy this weekend.

I don't take times like this with her for granted. This weekend was a little gift. I am very aware of what we are heading into.

I mentioned it in my earlier post today, about how she brought me breakfast. She just quietly, on her own, went downstairs, baked up some muffins and scrambled some eggs, and brought a plate up to me. For no reason at all. She's just cool like that. And I don't think I knew how to work a kitchen like she does when I was twelve.

So, a little adult time Friday night, and a lot of kid time the rest of the weekend. Perfect. If I could tweak anything, I would have had a date with me Friday night. And I could have had a date, but there just wasn't anyone I could get excited about inviting out, so, I didn't invite anyone. I don't mind being, in this case, the seventh wheel. I would rather be the 7th wheel than invite someone just because I feel like I need a place holder. I will roll solo until and unless there is someone that I truly want to include in evenings like that one. So I guess I should say, if I could tweak anything, I would have had a date I was happy to be with on Friday night.

Late May, summer camp, and baseball

2011-05-22T10:07:00.000-05:00

This is crazy time in our house. It really only occurred to me last night, as I was looking at my calendar, that in two weeks Sarah will be in the middle of her first weekend at camp and I'll be without her for a month. This is so typical of how I roll. I've only known for a year when camp started and it honestly startled me last night to realize we are less than two weeks out.

After I got over that moment where I can't breathe for a second thinking about her impending departure and absence, I realized how much shit we have to do to get her ready to go, and that I'm really out of time already. Next weekend is full with four different dance recitals. Sighs. I do believe I'll be taking a day or two off in the next two weeks. There is shopping, planning, and of course, hundreds of name labels to iron on her clothes. And limes I have to squeeze. Fresh margaritas are part of the iron-on ritual. (Don't fret, I can handle a hot iron and a margarita.)

She has never been more excited to head off to camp and I have never been more excited for her. Her first year in middle school has been tough, and exhausting, and just kind of yuck in general, and she is very ready to have it behind her. She needs a break from her peer group, which she is about to get, for a month, in the beautiful Texas hill country. She finishes school on a Wednesday, and I'll put her on the camp bus that Friday afternoon. A sweet escape.

Summer camp is one of my bigger expenses, and I when I committed to it several years ago, I had many reasons for doing so, but I didn't think of this one. I thought about how I wanted her to go to a girls camp, to get a break from the intense distraction of the opposite sex. I thought about how, as an only child, it was important she be fully confident and happy away from me. But I didn't really consider middle school...and all the drama that happens with girls...and how she might find such relief spending a month with a group of girls she loves that are outside the angst of her circle of friends at school. And I think, at least for this year and probably the next two, that is the biggest benefit. And completely worth every penny I am paying for it.

Before I realized this was my last weekend with her for a long time (next weekend, in addition to being consumed by dance recitals, she is technically with her dad) I had locked down Saturday and Sunday with her. No she couldn't go to a friend's house and no we weren't having anyone here. This is incredibly rare but sometimes we need it, even if she doesn't think so.

We had a great lunch on the lake, shopped like crazy, then went to the UT baseball game last night. We ate cotton candy, burgers, peanuts. I taught her the rules of baseball and told her I fully expected her to marry a baseball player so therefore she really needed to understand the game. She can now explain things like an RBI, a pinch hitter, the strike zone. She knows a foul is a strike but you can't strike out on foul balls. She knows where the College World Series is played. And I think she understands how freaking cute baseball players are.

I realized, and Jesus H this threw me last night, that some of the players on the field are only six years older than she is. Then my mind darted over to the fact that I tend to date men older than I am...and...yeah. Life moves too fast people. Too fast. This is such a mom thing to do but I thought "Holy hell, she could marry one of those guys out there one day!"

As I was writing this post, Sarah arrived in my room with breakfast for me. She had scrambled eggs and made some strawberry muffins. I had no idea she was cooking me breakfast. Love.

And Hook 'em.

Happy Friday

2011-05-20T09:11:00.002-05:00

This song makes me happy.

Hey Mamma don't want no drama, just a kiss before I leave.

Question marks

2011-05-15T10:22:00.000-05:00

Ambro

I have been wanting to write all weekend and I just can't do it. I have no idea what this post will end up as, hence the title. ?? And I'm questioning many things in my life right now, and I have a lot of questions I'd like to ask. Ask the universe in general, ask specific people, ask myself.

The question mark - ? - makes me think of one of my favorite movies, "A Room With a View." I watched it the other day and will read it again, right after I finish reading "Emma" (Jane Austen) which I also watched the other day and was then compelled to read. Reconnecting with british literature has to be the most quietly satisfying thing that is going on in my life at present. It's just delicious. Not sure how else to describe it. And it takes me back to high school and college in a nice way.

I'm about halfway through "Emma" right now. I am terribly in love with Mr. Knightley, truth be told. I love that he seems to be the only person in Emma's life who sees her clearly (in this case, can see her negatives), and ultimately loves her most. I love how Jane Austen slowly unfolds that relationship, and how Knightley evolves from a mentor/surrogate older brother/advisor to a lover. I love watching him come to understand his own feelings. And I love Emma's own transformation/maturation as she comes to understand her own heart as well. I almost want to write a paper about it. Almost.

And, I'm a sucker for a happy ending. Why not have a happy ending? I see no reason for fictional tales to ever end on anything but a happy note.

I have been in an oddly sappy, emotional, and thoughtful place lately. Not sure why. I like it. Sappy even though I've got nothing going on in the romance department. But I do have a couple of people (men) in my life that I know, without a doubt, love the shit out of me, which is really a gift. Maybe this is why I stay pretty content as a single person. I feel very well-loved, even though I don't wake up next to someone in the mornings. Not perfect, but it will do.

And now back to Mr. Knightley. And laundry, and grocery shopping, and Sunday.

On being a mama

2011-05-07T18:52:00.000-05:00

I don't want to be celebrated on Mother's Day, at all. But I do want to celebrate. If there is anything in my life worth celebrating, it is the fact that I get to be Sarah's mama.

I was so desperately afraid I would fail at this. I was afraid when I was pregnant, and that fear probably doubled when I found out I was having a girl. I just wasn't sure I would feel it...that love everyone talked about. I certainly didn't feel it in my marriage. I felt like I was a terrible wife, so how in the world could I ever expect to be a good mother?

I was terrified the first time I held her. I was awed by her, and a little freaked out by this little person who needed me so. I didn't have that immediate magical bonding moment that people talk about sometimes, but that's okay. The magical bonding did happen.

It happened those first weeks, as she and I spent hour upon hour looking into each other's eyes. She was sizing me up, with her little furrowed brow, and I was afraid she could see right through me. It grew despite a crippling postpartum depression that came as close as anything has to destroying me. And it hasn't ever stopped growing. Or stopped being magical.

You know why I don't like Mother's Day? Because parenting is a pay it forward gig for me. Sarah owes me nothing. I owe her everything. If she has children of her own, she owes them everything. I never understand it when I hear other moms say things like "Oh I would never let my child go far away for college. I just couldn't stand to be that far away from her." What?? I don't get that mentality because don't you want everything for your child? Don't you want her to touch, feel, taste, experience everything this big world has to offer? Because I do. That's what I want for Sarah. She needn't worry about me as long as she is living her life to the fullest.

This song does a pretty good job of capturing what I want for my sweet girl.

Kick off the world in the dark

And just dive. Just dive.

It's my third post tonight. Because I have nothing else to do.

2011-05-05T22:13:00.000-05:00

I am sitting in a Las Vegas airport bar, wearing, I kid you not, my skirt, a nice blouse, a gray Las Vegas sweatshirt over that, and purple fuzzy socks. My heels, which have been pissing me off, are on the floor. Oh, and a little blanket thing on my lap. I was FREEZING and miserable. So I just spent too much money on all things warm at some random shop in the airport. And I look completely and totally ridiculous.

My flight is delayed. My new arrival time is 2:05 a.m. and...I'm cold, although better now that I look ridiculous, and a little weepy. And trying decide if I should just stay here tonight. This is like booking an early morning flight. There just isn't any room for error. If it's delayed, at all (and it's delayed over an hour) I'm just hosed. My original Austin arrival time was 12:30 a.m. Hosed.

I called my daughter to tell her I would be home even later than planned, just in case she woke up and worried, and she said "I left you a note on your bed. Nana can take me to school in the morning so you can sleep in." And THAT, my friends, made me cry. Like the "oh my god that will totally suffice as a mother's day present for the next eight years" cry. It has just been a really, really long week. And I really, really appreciate my mother right now for getting that.

My next crisis will come when my laptop runs out of juice. But I do have the iPhone charger, thank God. So at least I have that.

Wardrobe issues and marriage proposals

2011-05-05T20:26:00.000-05:00

So, I had a wardrobe issue in Las Vegas. Well, several actually, and God don't get me started on my shoes and how badly my feet hurt this trip. Well too late. Here's the thing. I wear heels ALL THE TIME. I am girl who wears heels. My flip flops have heels. I can rock the heels and they rarely bother me. Well, these are new shoes, Mandalay Bay is huge, and holy mother of god. My feet may never recover, and I didn't bring any other shoes. I am ruthless about packing. I only pack what I need when it's business travel. My feet...they won't even make eye contact with me right now. Pissed.

I had to dress professionally the entire time. I traveled in black slacks and a sweater, then planned on wearing suits both of the other days.

Day One: I don't like the shirt I've brought to wear under the suit, and I can't wear the other one and switch things around because I had also forgotten to pack my jacket for Day Two, and so I needed to save the cute shirt. Since it would be jacket-less and all. And I wanted to look good, or at least feel like I looked good. I decided I liked the suit without a shirt at all, but it showed just a little too much cleavage. What to do. A little too much cleavage isn't okay at a work event with clients, even though it really was just a little too much.

Well, there is a sewing kit in my room...with a safety pin! Yay! Except it was the weakest most piece-of-shit safety pin ever and it just bent. I couldn't get it through the various layers of the suit.

But I was VERY insistent, in my sleep-deprived, perhaps a bit hungover state, that I wanted to wear the suit without the shirt.

Back to the sewing kit.

Sidebar: I do not sew.

I got myself a needle and some thread and sewed the suit on me. Yes I did. And it was perfect. I got the look I wanted.

I email my friend Chris this. We were chatting back and forth already and I told him I had sewed my boobs into my suit, because...well, because I was just a little proud of myself for using a needle and thread, and doing a little creative problem solving, and not drawing any blood. His response:

You “sewed yourself” into the suit. OMG that’s awesome. Marry me, Clare. Just say yes. We’ll work out the details later.

Who knew? Apparently, that's all it takes. There you have it. I have a marriage proposal.

I didn't say yes, for a multitude of reasons, but ya know, it's nice to be asked. It has been a while since I've been proposed to.

Later on in the evening, when it was just co-workers and not clients, and after the drinks had been free-flowing for awhile, I ripped out the stitching in very dramatic fashion on the dance floor. It was awesome...at least in my own mind. And then the suit was kinda sexy. Also awesome. I think suits are kind of sexy anyway (gawd I love a man in a nice suit), and a little too much cleavage pretty much seals the deal on the sexy.

Live rambling from Las Vegas

2011-05-05T19:39:00.000-05:00

The Las Vegas airport anyway. I am flying home tonight after a couple of days here for business. I am exhausted. I am very tired of people. I want quiet. I don't want to be wearing heels. Or a suit. I would like it if my eyes didn't look like I had been in a bar fight. (I'm tired.)

Okay, I'll stop whining now. But thanks for humoring me for a minute.

This was a great trip. I do appreciate my job, and my company, very much. This was very productive, thought provoking, and fun. And very interesting for so many reasons. I'm sitting here thinking through the past three days and...wow. I can pack a lot into a couple of days. A lot of work, a lot of fun, and a lot of interesting situations.

Travel always makes me feel lonely. Something about the whole airport process. And the checking into the hotel. The wishing I had someone hauling my shit around. Then the return trip. The arrival, the getting my bag, getting my car, getting home, getting unpacked. It's just exhausting, and lonely. Travel like I do is not glamorous in any way. It's just hard. Oh, and I got stuck in my dress Tuesday night. I seriously couldn't get it unzipped because I couldn't reach the zipper. I did eventually. I discovered I have some hidden contortionist skills.

So, I've got about six more hours of lonely today and I'll be home. I'll kiss Sarah as she's sleeping, I'll pet my sleepy dog's head, and all will be right with the world again.

Blessings from strange places

2011-05-01T14:52:00.003-05:00

Jack Newton

Yesterday I was shuttle service for my ex-husband, his wife, Hannah and Sarah to and from Eeyore's Birthday party, where they had volunteered to work a booth for a couple of hours. Because that is the kind of ex-wife I am, people.

I had to wait awhile when I went to pick them up. And it was insanely fabulous people watching. If you want to understand the whole "Keep Austin Weird" thing? You just need to attend Eeyore's party one time.

I'm sitting in my car, windows rolled down, people watching, when this woman walks right up to me and says "What's your name?" This person is minimally really drunk, and likely really stoned. I'm wary, but hey. It's Eeyore's Birthday party. I'll play. I tell her my name.

She is looking me square in the eye in a very intense way, and holds out the necklace she is wearing and says "Make a wish." So I did. Then she grabs my hand, holds it really tightly, and says to me "I don't know anything about you but you are beautiful." And then she starts to cry. I'm giggling as I write this but it was really something. Then she says more stuff, the kind of shit I might say if I were in a similar state, about good things coming to me, etc. And yes, she is still crying. Then she wanders off.

I'm pretty damn sure that wish is going to come true.

Fairy Tales

2011-04-29T11:47:00.000-05:00

My friend Melissa ended up staying with me unexpectedly last night. Being that she will be a bride herself in June, she has taken a big interest in the royal wedding. She wanted to watch the wedding live. At 4 in the morning. So, we did.

I never in a million years would have gotten up for that of my own accord. I would have probably watched the clips on the news and not given it any additional thought. But I'm actually glad I watched it. Not at 4 a.m., I could have watched it any time, but I am glad I watched it and probably would not have had Melissa the bride not been here.

Here are the reasons why I'm glad, even though I am very sleepy now:

1. The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge (that's what we're to call them now, it seems) seem genuinely in love with each other. And the idea that they are older, were friends first, and have lived together (and therefore really know each other) makes that even more lovely, and very refreshing. They have been together ten years. She will turn 30...a few days after I turn 40...but my point is that they are adults.

This wedding did not my inspire my usual "Oh bless their hearts they think they will be happy" response, and that was a nice surprise this morning.

2. Kate is stunning in a Grace Kelly kind of way, no doubt. It is hard to take your eyes off of her. Classic, fresh beauty. And I loved her dress, which was also classic and fresh. And she came across as very demure. Can I use the word refreshing again?

3. I loved this from the sermon, given by the Bishop of London: As the reality of God has faded from so many lives in the West, there has been a corresponding inflation of expectations that personal relations alone will supply meaning and happiness in life. This is to load our partner with too great a burden.

Amen, Bishop. Fabulous words of wisdom to the beautiful and seemingly grounded couple.

Maybe this real-life fairy tale will have a real-life happy ending and these two people will live happily ever after. Maybe that does happen, sometimes. I really want to believe that it does.

Let the Light In

2011-04-28T23:23:00.000-05:00

And the Tin Man said
I don't know how to do this baby, maybe you could show me how
She said
It's alright... let your hair down
Let your heart pound
Let the light in let the light in
It's alright
Let the light in let the light in again

I love Bob Schneider. I love this song. Maybe not as much as "40 Dogs" but damn close.

Next thing you know there was magic in the air
No one saw it comin' no it wasn't too clear

One more thing today

2011-04-24T20:03:00.000-05:00

After all of this thinking about relationships, and everything that has happened already this year (it has been fun, and interesting), I'm in the mood to watch like 20 romantic comedies and drink about forty bottles of wine the next weekend I have free. Who's with me?

And, enough with that subject.

2011-04-24T16:00:00.002-05:00

I hung out with my friend Liz the other night, and we were talking about this blog, and my being single (the theme of the blogging of late), etc. and I started down the whole - Oh maybe I just need to be more...whatever I said (open, heart on sleeve, all the crap I've been writing about lately) - road, and she says:

Yeah well I think that's total bullshit. You are who you are.

And you know what? I TOTALLY AGREE WITH THAT. I think it's bullshit too! And I loved that she said that. Mostly I loved that she said it because really, I don't think I can change my whole approach at this point in life, so it was looking kind of bleak.

I mean, maybe that means I'm single for the long haul. Okay. Next? I think I've laid out here that I would like to find someone, but that I'm a little torn about that, but ultimately I think I just haven't found the right person, and that's the only reason I'm torn about it.

I don't think it's any more complicated than that.

I've been single ten years. I mean, we're not even close to old testament wandering in the wilderness here and I think God has his own timeline and plans and my job is to trust that, and live each day to the fullest. In general, I'm not lonely. Wanting that partnership does not mean I am lonely without it, even if I have moments of loneliness, which I do, and which I've talked about.

So enough of that. I'm good. I'm happy. I'm content. I hope I fall in love again in my life. And now I'm going to finish my laundry.

Contentedness

2011-04-23T12:34:00.000-05:00

Contentedness: the feeling experienced when one's wishes are met

Can't stop listening to OneRepublic's Good Life.

Life is good.

I spent last night with a couple of my girlfriends and it was one of those perfect evenings. We all felt it - we felt lucky. We know we have it really good, and we don't take that for granted.

Last night, this morning, now, I feel so content I almost feel like I don't exist. Does that make any sense at all? "When you're happy like a fool you let it take you over" (line from the song). It's not that everything is perfect/right in my life. It's definitely not. But I have a lot to feel good about. No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

On a more shallow note, wow it's fun to cruise around with the two girls I was out with last night. They are both gorgeous and it felt like we were stopping traffic everywhere we went. And at 39...out in Austin TX on a Friday night with legions of twentysomethings and their twentysomething bodies...well, it was just a treat to not feel invisible.

After our fun adventures traipsing all over the place, we had a slumber party at the W Hotel.

It's a good, good life.

Horoscopes...and Being Single. For K.

2011-04-20T20:55:00.000-05:00

Opening line in an email to me from one of my favorite friends:

I swear, you are the reason they write horoscopes.

I'm glad at least one person other than me finds my life entertaining.

So, continuing on with the Hey I'm Single Theme, I thought I would re-post, and respond (inline) to a very thoughtful response someone sent me on one of my posts. Here we go (I'm wearing purple):

okay since you're putting this on the web, i guess you don't mind fielding opinions?

Of course not, but it was nice of you to ask.

so take this all with a grain of salt if you like and please don't be offended, by anything that offends you (and with that disclaimer in place...) remember, this is just a neutral observer's opinion.
Will do, but I was pleasantly surprised by how nice it ended up being.

so, i don't follow you religiously, but the last couple of posts that show up immediately are about singleness. it's safe to say there is definitely a trend.
I'm glad you don't follow me religiously. I still feel weird about this blogging thing, honestly. Yes, this is a trend, and it's purposeful. My Puerto Rico trip just got me thinking about the whole Being Single thing.

this seems to show that you are gearing up more than not to quit with the singleness thing. i know, i know, you love being single and the freedom that comes with it-i get it- and i do too. *but,* it's also clear you're really beginning to appreciate living life as a not-single.
I think I've always been geared up to quit the singleness thing I just haven't found the right person to do that for. In the meantime, I do love being single and I do enjoy the freedom that comes with it.

you've dated tons from what i can gather and while, yeah, you have fun, variety, etc, there's also the issue of accidentally spreading yourself a little thin.
Maybe not tons. I've been single ten years (oh, I've mentioned that?) and I've had...three serious relationships. (Nobody call me out on that if I've forgotten one, please.)

the more people one meets, the more great qualities one finds herself appreciating, until gradually (and probably unconsciously) in one's head these qualities all combine to form some ethereal version of "the one," you know-THAT GUY.
I don't believe in THAT GUY.

well if that guy exists, even if he doesn't know it, he sure has a lot of pressure riding on him to not every lose or grow lax in any of the qualities you've found you love-based off all the other guys you've dated. because you've experienced great parts of people in pieces so many times (you're dating on and off, right? so it's like you never end up being with the "whole" person), it is more difficult to find that one. how could anyone measure up? inevitably, relationships lose their freshness, and you'll find yourself thinking about so-and-so, who NEVER did this thing or that thing like does.
if you can somehow date and yet steer clear of that idealistic mindset (it sneaks up! :), then you're golden. but most people can't. most people experience so much awesome in pieces when they give their hearts away over and over again, that it becomes difficult to just be happy with what you've got.
I don't think I have an idealistic mindset and I also don't think I give my heart away. I don't have a long list of things I want in a partner. I do tend to attract guys, however, that don't give me the things on the short list. My therapist told me I needed to "adjust my radar." Oh, okay, I'll get right on that, Victor. Now, I think part of the problem might be I don't give my heart away fully, ever. Perhaps I am gearing up to do that? To take more risks? If I can? Maybe that's why I keep writing about all this?

we get one life (i think we agree here unless you are believe our spirits live on in rocks, in which case, no worries).
You're funny. I'm with you on the one life. And it's one short life. Gotta grab it.

so while life is never perfect, sometimes we have to just stop and say 'you know what? this is as good as it's gonna get. and i'm okay with that." i accept your hairy moles and i need you to accept mine. no one can ever be anyone's *everything.* MAYBE if we work hard at a relationship that is as close as possible as we can find to "the one" in our heads, and our significant other works just as hard, MAYBE one day we'll find ourselves like those old couples who worked that hard together at loving one another 'in spite of,' with lots of give and take...
I couldn't agree more. Very well said. I definitely have my own hairy moles.

if that all sounds like too much work and commitment and problem-solving for you and you'd just rather skip the full course meal and stick with dessert-hey it's your life. just remember if at the end of the day (end of your life), you don't think dessert (dating non-stop/variety/no commitment to sticking to it) will satisfy you, then maybe it's time to change how you think in terms of sharing your heart, getting to know someone, quality over quantity. again,
Yes, you are right. "Change how you think in terms of sharing your heart". That's good advice. But I can't lie, I have no idea how to actually do that. (CLEARLY I should still be seeing my therapist.)

remember, i'm a neutral observer. i can only go by what you post. it's up to you to use my thoughts in whatever way you can and discard the rest. all the best to you in your search. i'm glad that your daughter can be such a stable piece of life for you, and that because of that-just as much as because she sounds like a really great kid-she brings you so much joy :)
Thanks for making me think, and for taking the time to respond like that. Hugs.

Turning Twelve

2011-04-16T12:13:00.001-05:00

It's done. She's twelve. It's no longer a question about whether she's still a kid, or maybe a tween, or a pre-teen. She's TWELVE. Which means next year? She'll be thirTEEN.

I cried when I bought her present. I get all emotional every year about her birthday. But yesterday morning, when I woke her up and told her happy birthday and gave her her gift...I didn't cry! She was happy, it was fun, and I kept it all together. I even kept it together through the birthday-cake-for-breakfast part. My voice didn't crack when I sang the song. I thought maybe I had finally mastered this thing, and I am sure she was relieved her mother was acting normal for once on her birthday.

Then I took her to school, same as always. She hopped out of the car, and for some reason I paused and watched her walk across the lawn towards the building. She had gotten about halfway there when her group of friends came running out of the crowd and basically tackled her. I watched from the car as they hugged her, handed her flowers, tied balloons onto her backpack, enveloped her in the group and headed in to the building. She had the biggest smile on her face.

And holy shit then I cried. I mean, I freaking SOBBED. All the way to the office. I was, as I often am, just overwhelmed with gratitude. The crying is really just the only way I think I know how to express my thankfulness.

So many things got to me yesterday. But what cued the waterworks was seeing her friends loving on her like that. They have their ups and downs and high drama, but that's part and parcel of middle school. I thought about my group of friends in middle school. And then I thought about how one of them is fighting for her life against breast cancer...and I can still see, so vividly, her contagious smile as a 12-year-old when we were so carefree and things like cancer didn't even have a place in our vocabulary. Sarah and her friends are going to walk this road together, and they have no idea what is to come. I look at these girls and wonder who they will be and what they will be facing when they reach my age, and I'm glad they have each other.

And of course the reality of parenting always gives me a hello on her birthday as well. I don't get to keep her forever, and time is short. In six years, she will be heading off to college. Six years is now what a weekend was when I was twelve. Time is short.

And...I can't help thinking about the fact that I am a single mama to an only child. How did that happen? When I got divorced ten years ago, I assumed I would remarry and have more babies and continue down the same road, more or less. I actually never even gave all that much thought because, of course that would happen, right? But I'm glad that didn't happen. This journey has been a good one for many different reasons. But sometimes it stings a little. I wish I got to do this more than once.

When Sarah was a newborn, and she cried, it sounded like a song. "Laaaaaa. Laaaaaa." This sweet, delicate, beautiful little cry. She is a sweet, delicate, beautiful girl today. But she's also strong, convicted, and confident. She knows right from wrong. She is a loyal friend. She is a good student. She is a beautiful dancer. She's funny and smart. And she's mine.

He has to come to you

2011-04-10T08:55:00.000-05:00

I hung out with a guy friend of mine Friday night that I've been friends with forever, and I was really struck by how well he knows me. It makes sense - we grew up together. So he more or less knows the path I've taken to arrive here, and he's smart and intuitive. I mean, he was my senior prom date and he was an usher at my wedding. Knows my story.

I am telling him a story about, well, the elevator guy, and how when I met him, he actually met me, and my friend (also single) who was in Puerto Rico with me. So, two single girls, and him. And in my head I was immediately out. Not really because of any insecurities, but because I am just not going to fight for someone's attention. Literally the three of us are standing there - Blonde #1, Blonde #2, and him. And my thought is, I'm attracted to this guy but I definitely don't want to play this game - -

"He has to come to you" interrupts my friend. "Of course you were like that. He has to come to you. That's how you are."

I hadn't consciously thought of it that way, but he was dead on. I am like that. I think it's a combination of pride and insecurity, in equal amounts, but it's true. He definitely has to come to me.

Now, this guy did, and once that first hurdle has been jumped? I'm all over it. Then I have no issue being a little aggressive. I have to be pursued, or otherwise know, for sure, there is interest. Not because I like to play games, I don't. It's the pride/insecurity thing again. I need a certain comfort level that someone is interested in me and wants to spend time with me, and then I'm in, and I will initiate interaction, take the lead if necessary, do whatever I need to.

This was interesting to me since I find myself in the middle of this - Why is Clare Single? - research project. And I think it's all tied up in this stupid tough-girl knot I tie myself into a lot. I just cannot bear the whole vulnerability thing. I can hardly even type that word it makes me so uncomfortable. I've been a little inspired by my friend who went on the trip with me - she is more of a "heart on her sleeve" type person and I like it. I respect it. I think you have to take risks to ever have fantastic rewards.

So I wonder, is that the problem here? Do I just need to be a little more open? A little heart on my sleeve? If I'm interested, maybe sometimes...I have to go to him?

Or, not? Won't the right guy come to me? I'm not difficult once that happens. Take the elevator guy. Once it was clear he wanted to spend time with me, I was clear right back and we had such a fun time together. [Sidebar: If you're wondering, no, nothing will come of that for a multitude of reasons. He dropped into my life at just the right moment in time, for just a moment in time.]

Why is Clare single...let's add this one to my working list.

1. Because maybe deep down she wants to be single.
2. Because she can be a little too guarded.

Birthday Season

2011-04-09T17:41:00.000-05:00

Sarah turns twelve next week. There isn't much to say about that that I haven't already said. Sighs. Twelve.

Today I bought her birthday present and I had so much fun doing it. What, you may ask, is the gift this year? I got her a very cute Coach purse, and put a little bit of makeup in it. It's exactly what I would have wanted when I was her age.

The girls who helped me at Coach were so cute and so sweet and pretty much thought I was the coolest mom ever. Not what I'm going for, the cool mom thing, just wanting to surprise and delight my amazing kid on the morning she, in my mind, officially launches into adolescence. But their enthusiasm made the whole thing even more fun.

Is it over the top to get her a really nice purse at age twelve? Yes. You won't get an argument from me there. I think I hear the word "ridiculous" being tossed about. Sure. But I know she is going to love this gift, and use this gift, and I really don't see the harm in it. I so so loved putting it together, and thinking about how excited she will be when she sees it. I really just want to let her open it now!

The thing with having an only child is that I can spoil her. And as long as she doesn't behave like a spoiled child, and she does not, I shall continue to spoil her. I like making a big deal of her birthday, and getting her something really nice. It is easily as fun and rewarding for me as it is for her.

There will be at least one more birthday post this season, because this is a big one. She is changing so much in every way. I can't even imagine where we will be at this time next year. But for now I'm just focusing on how much fun I'm going to have giving her this gift next Friday morning.

So What's the Deal? Are You Single?

2011-04-07T21:25:00.000-05:00

A co-worker of mine asked me that last night. "So what's the deal? Are you single?"

Oh for Christ's Sake, (sorry, but there is just no other phrase to use right there) yes!

Okay, so, this co-worker (married co-worker, was really just curious) doesn't live in Austin and I suppose we don't talk all that much, but he was in Puerto Rico too and saw the force of nature that was the Single Girls, of which I was half. I mean, is this the issue? Perhaps I am not clear about the fact that yes, indeed, I am single?

So Internet...really. Why do we think I am single?

Aww see though? I don't even like asking questions like that because for as much as I want someone in my life I'm also afraid I don't. And the reason I say that is because my life is just too much fun right now the way it is. I honestly can't quite envision giving this up for someone.

Perhaps I just answered my own question.

Maybe...I don't really want it right now. Maybe?

But THEN I think, well, if I am with the right person, I suppose, in theory, life could be just as much fun, and better. Right? See that one is a stretch for me, but I believe it, in theory.

Okay so then we move on to the various men that have been in my life in some form or another over the last two-three years. Really, really good dudes for the most part.

One of them...we just can't quite figure our shit out but I think it's possible we will one day. One I really enjoy but he doesn't really pursue me and that's a...not a deal breaker because we'll never get to deal phase. So I suppose it's a deal stopper. I still think about Big almost every day of my life. That's a long story, as you may know, which appears to be over, which is at it should be. There's Atlanta #1 (a total mystery, possibly gay) and Atlanta #2 (extraordinary, but way too complicated). There's the one that is unavailable. There are one or two that are kind of on the fringe. You know what I mean. We have an eye on each other.

And then...there is the dream of someone else.

The dream that gives me a little, tiny rush. The possibility. The little, and I mean little, sliver of me that won't let go of the idea that there is someone out there for me. Even me. A best friend, a partner in crime, a confidant, someone who has got my back. Somebody whose presence in my life would mean I didn't have to keep my shit together all the time. Somebody whose shit I wouldn't mind keeping together for him if he woke up one day and just didn't want to do it himself. And someone for whom I have a ton of passion. That's the dream of someone else.

Alright so I've solved nothing with this post. But I feel better for writing it.

Single, Ten Years Later

2011-04-03T09:42:00.000-05:00

Driving to the airport before dawn the day I left for Puerto Rico, I heard the song by Rascal Flatts "I Won't Let Go." My first thought was, wow. I wish someone felt that way about me.

I will dry your eyes

I will fight your fight

I will hold you tight

And I won't let you fall.

But almost immediately, my thoughts switched to Sarah. I will dry her eyes, I will fight her fight, I will hold her tight, and I won't let her fall. And this great, great feeling washed over me. For as much as I want, it is ultimately so much more satisfying to give.

With that song playing through my head, I embarked on that fabulous vacation that ultimately made me feel as single as I've ever felt. There were many moments during the trip that I kind of stuck out as a single person. Monday night, dinner for three. Tuesday night, dinner for five. Breakfast for one. Settling in by the pool by myself. Mostly, I didn't mind, but just mostly. And I wouldn't have thought I would have minded at all. But I did, a little.

Then my friend Jennifer arrived, and we were the Single Girls. Now, this was more fun than just being solo, but still, there it is....Single. There were very, very few people there without a spouse or significant other.

The night of the black tie event was kind of the culmination of all the feelings of singleness. First, there was the professional photographer taking pictures of everyone (couples) before the event. Someone asked me if I had gotten my picture taken and I said "What, just walk over there solo and strike a pose?" I mean, really. I don't particularly want a picture of myself and standing at that beautiful cocktail party, around all of these beautiful, seemingly happy couples...it got to me a little. Then, the Someone who asked me the question about the photo took me by the arm, walked me over to the photographer, and we took a picture together. It was really the sweetest gesture. It made me want to kiss him in an elevator later, actually.

Then we all head in and find our tables for the big event. The president of my company stands up and starts talking about what an accomplishment it is to be there, how proud of us he is, what a big huge deal it is to make Club etc. Very cool. Then he says, "and turn to the person next to you. The person that has supported you and enabled you to be here, etc etc and give them a hug."

I literally had an empty chair next to me, and that did choke me up for about half a second. Talk about knowing you are single. It's almost comical. Like, just in case you weren't aware, YOU ARE SINGLE. YOU ARE THE ONE WITH THE EMPTY CHAIR NEXT TO YOU. But then, the husband of one of my best friends, who was sitting on the other side of me, leans over and hugs me. Then my sweet boss stands up, walks around the table, gives me a big hug, and tells me he's proud of me. And my world was right again.

I don't know, I would think with ten years of this single business under my belt, I would be a total professional and nothing like this would get to me, but I guess we are hard-wired to want that partnership. Someone to stand by you, to help you through. Dry your eyes, fight your fight, hold you tight. For as much as I don't want to want that, and I really don't want to want that, I do want that. Damn.

But all that said... I am so glad I get to be that person for my daughter, at least for a few more years. I was that person for her Monday night, all the way from Puerto Rico. And I am so glad for the Someones who step into my life at just the right moments and literally stand by me. And I am so glad for my incredible friends and for having a supportive boss.

As long as I've got all that, I think I'm probably good for another ten years if this is how my life continues to play out.

What a difference a week makes

2011-04-01T22:14:00.000-05:00

A week ago at this time I was at a black-tie event in Puerto Rico, having what was to be one of the most fabulous nights ever.

Tonight, I sat in my kitchen and worked for about three hours while Sarah and two of her friends ran wild.

The contrast makes me smile, and makes me feel lucky. And I'll say it again. If I had to choose? I choose tonight. But it makes me awfully happy I don't have to choose.

Goodnight, world-wide-web. Sleep tight.

Puerto Rico in review

2011-03-31T21:54:00.000-05:00

Let's get right to the point: It was the best trip ever.

Mostly because I was with incredibly awesome people the entire time I was there. Well, maybe even totally because I was with incredibly awesome people the entire time I was there.

I want to capture the whole thing in words, and I've tried, but I just can't do it. So I will just jot down a thing or two.

I am incredibly lucky to not only like my job, but to work with the most fun, awesome people on the planet. And yeah, I've now used the word "awesome" four times in this post.

It was pretty amazing to take a full week for vacation.

I danced, and laughed, my ass off.

I have a new move that can only be called "the clare" and that I can't write about. But trust me, it was bad ass.

I felt good cruising around in my bikini. IN FRONT OF MY CO-WORKERS. Maybe because they are awesome.

I felt weird being solo at the President's Club stuff. Seriously, 95% of the people on the trip were married or brought significant others, and I actually felt lonely a time or two. I actually got a little wet-eyed a time or two. More on that later. But so thankful for the awesome (yep, there it is again) husbands who kept an eye on me. Because I really did need someone to keep an eye on me at various points.

At one point, I was in the most beautiful place I've ever been. That picture over there to the right. It was breathtaking. And there were lights and candles everywhere. And bars, of course. That was my last night there, and it ended with fireworks set off to Katy Perry's song. And it was just one of those moments in life I won't forget. I was just happy. It was solid.

Oh, and I didn't dream the thing about the gorgeous guy on the elevator.

Tween drama, and kisses on elevators

2011-03-28T22:36:00.000-05:00

So, I want to write about 8,000 things and I can't get my thoughts straight. Which means this will be a stream-of-consciousness post that will be interesting only to me. If you keep reading, well, you've been warned.

Sarah. Whoa. Holy crap. Okay, let's do this. Let's do this parenting a super emotional girl-child thing.

My child is a walking hormone or something. Out of nowhere, there are tears about the fact that Abercrombie pants don't fit her. That is a literal example, by the way. And umm, screw Abercrombie. My child is a strong, healthy dancer. Really, Abercrombie? And oh the drama over the friends, which I've already written about some.

Land mines. Everywhere. In the most unexpected of places. Appearing out of thin air, actually. And it all just happened SO FAST. But this is where we are. I can do this.

We had the greatest Monday Night Sushi ever. Just awesome talks about all of this emotional stuff. Followed by a "I am SO glad you are home, Mama." Me too, baby.

And is there anything better than getting on an elevator with someone and just totally making out? I'll answer that. No, there really isn't. Especially when that someone is someone you've been flirting with all day and is sexy and in a tux. And you've just literally walked across a stage with your name in lights. It's possible, now that I write about it, that I dreamed it. Hmm. Now I'm now gonna try to figure out if I dreamt that kissing the sexy guy in the elevator thing. Not that it matters if I did. AT ALL.

Puerto Rico, Day...What?

2011-03-27T22:44:00.001-05:00

Well, I had these great intentions about writing every day but everyone started showing up on Wednesday and by Thursday night I had rocketed into an endless, fabulous cycle that left no time for anything civilized like writing some post about being moved spiritually by the ocean or missing my daughter. No, no, it was pretty much pure hedonism from that point on and I was never entirely sure what day or time it was. And sometimes, not really sure where I was.

I will do a post soon about this trip, which exceeded my expectations. Exceeded my expectations! There was sunning and dancing and laughing and zip-lining and even a tiny bit of romance. And it was just what I needed. I was very aware as I packed and prepared for this vacation that the last time I was as excited about a trip I was disappointed in a way that kind of knocked me over for a minute. Yeah that's that story I never really wrote about. (Sorry)

All that said I am so very glad to be home. While I didn't accomplish my goal of getting bored...I did actually get homesick by the end and I definitely cannot remember the last time that happened. Can't wait to see my sweet girl's face tomorrow. And get back in the office and kick some ass because I really want to go on this trip again next year.

Puerto Rico, Day Three: Thou Art Everywhere

2011-03-23T14:48:00.001-05:00

Thou art everywhere, but I worship thee here

That goes through my head every time I stand in front of an ocean. I'm not sure where it's from. A quick Google search tells me it's not Christian-based (it's Hindu) so I have no idea where I picked that up. But when I stand still, and breathe deeply, and look out over an ocean, I feel a profound sense of reverence and I find this spiritual side of me that mostly gets shoved in the corner of my busy life.

Thou art everywhere, but I worship thee here.

Vacation, at least this kind of vacation, is when I try to stop and not be anything to anyone for a moment. I'm not very good at doing that, but I can when I'm standing still in front of the ocean.

Thou art everywhere, but I worship thee here;
Thou art without form, but I worship thee in these forms;
Thou needest no praise, yet I offer thee these prayers

Puerto Rico, Day Two: Doing this alone is weird

2011-03-22T16:38:00.002-05:00

Quick background on this vacation. I'm here because I won President's Club at my company. Yes, in addition to all of my various adventures I write about here, I do actually work hard. Club starts Thursday, but I came up early with a co-worker/good friend and her husband.

Of course I don't have a husband, or a significant other (perhaps I've talked about that here before?), so I invited my friend Jennifer. Jennifer is heading up Thursday. So, for 3.5 days, I'm here solo, and I'm having to adjust to vacationing alone.

I travel for business alone all the time, but this is definitely different. I am in this room, with that view, by myself. I ate breakfast by myself. I headed out to the beach by myself. Eventually my friend joined me but until she did, it was weird, and I wouldn't have expected to feel weird about it. As a matter of fact, I had not even thought about it until I got here, the fact that I would be vacationing alone.

I think I am just a social creature by nature, more so than I used to believe. Last night I went down to the bar before dinner to have a drink and...there was no one there. So, I practiced spanish with Guillermo the bartender. I just really like people, which is why I'm struggling a bit I think. Of course, I am still having a great time and today was pretty much my perfect chill day - laying in the sun, cocktails delivered to me with perfect timing, a nice afternoon nap. I'll have a fun night out with two other couples. Yeah, I'll be the fifth wheel, but I'm okay with that.

In theory, I like the idea of vacationing alone. In reality it's lonely. Not terribly so, and I have found as this day has worn on, it's starting to fit a little better. I expect I'll be a professional solo-traveler by tomorrow night.

As I was writing this, my friend Troy texts me this: "You probably can't wait for your friend to get there." He is correct.

P.S. I talked to Sarah this morning and she is totally and perfectly fine. Her friend apologized, and it's like the inconsolable sobbing never happened. I knew that would likely be the case but last night I just couldn't get a hold of that perspective because I felt to helpless being so far away. But it was a huge relief to talk to her this morning and hear her happy voice.

Puerto Rico, Day One. Not quite what I expected.

2011-03-21T23:36:00.001-05:00

That picture there? That's a wall. A wall outside Toro Salao, a cute little spot in Old San Juan where I went for drinks after dinner.

A wall where I very literally rested my head and cried tonight. Where the water streaming down from the tropical rains earlier in the evening made it seem like the wall was somehow feeling my pain, and where I felt very grateful for that.

So here is what happened. Sarah had the biggest, saddest meltdown of her little life tonight. And I was in Old San Juan, talking to her on the phone instead of holding her in my arms. And banging my head against that wall.

The details are insignificant, and I'm sure that by the end of the week, this web will be untangled and my sweet daughter will once again be happy and cheerful, but it's kind of hard to take comfort in that at this moment. At this moment? I'm still thinking about that wall.

So many things. Do I feel guilty that I wasn't there? Yes, mostly, and No, somewhat. She did tell me she really missed me tonight. That did rip at my heart. But I also felt very close to her and I know she felt very close to me.

If you know me, you know that I am generally not very emotional...unless it comes to Sarah. So it goes without saying that I was a wreck tonight. And at one point, through her own tears she said, "Don't cry, Mama."

This single parenting gig, sometimes you can't win. Tonight wasn't what I anticipated. And when I got back to my room I just wanted to sit on my balcony and listen to the waves crash, and write, but the sound of the waves crashing, something I normally love and find peace in...tonight those waves just sound relentless and anxious.

Do I feel guilty that I am here for so long without her? Yes. Do I think I need this time away to recharge? Yes. Is that a conflict? Yes. Blah blah blah...yes yes yes. Who cares, really? Ultimately, my child was in pain tonight and I wasn't there.

Here's to hoping the sun shines a little brighter tomorrow, which is another day, after all.